life as we know it
by graceviolets
Summary: A fic based on the movie with the same name. Finn and Rachel die in a car crash and their best friends Quinn and Puck are left to take care of their child. With their friends gone, all they have is each other.
1. Chapter 1

"They're gone?" Quinn whispered.

Her fingers trembled, her brain was empty, her heart heavy.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Fabray" the doctor said.

He was her age, maybe a bit older. In his mid-thirties with blonde hair and kind eyes.

"A car crash?"

He nodded. Quinn couldn't stand sitting in that office. She wanted to leave, to run away and never come back. But she couldn't. She couldn't even move.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Fabray."

"Thank you."

"You were Rachel's contact person. A man named Noah Puckerman was Finn's. We called him, but he didn't pick up his phone" the doctor said.

Quinn looked at the clock on the wall. It was past eleven. Puck was probably too busy with a girl to answer the phone.

"I'll try to reach him" Quinn said.

The doctor nodded.

"And their child?" Quinn asked.

"Child?"

"They have a daughter, a baby girl. Lily."

"She wasn't in the car, miss."

Quinn closed her eyes.

"She wasn't in the car?"

"No."

"The couple was on their way home from a dinner, they may have left their daughter at home with a baby sitter."

Quinn nodded slowly.

"Yes" she agreed. "Yes, that must be it."

She stood up so hastily that her chair fell over. The doctor looked sympathetically at her.

"I'm sorry for your loss, Ms. Fabray."

"I have to go their house and take care of Lily."

"Of course" he said smiling. "Here is my card, call me if you need help with anything."

Quinn took the card and put it in her purse. Her fingers moved, but her brain was somewhere else. She had to go and get Lily. Then she had to call Puck. If he didn't answer, she would drive to his apartment. Yes. That would be what she would do.

"Good-bye" she said and left the office.

Outside, she began to cry.

"Why are you calling me so late?" Puck answered the phone.

A wave of disgust filled Quinn. He was drunk. She could hear a girl laughing in the background. He was drunk, in bed with a girl when his best friend has died.

"I have called once every ten minutes for the last four hours" Quinn said stiffly.

She sat on Rachel and Finn's couch. In her arms lay baby Lily, a year old. On the walls were pictures of posters from _Funny girl _posted next to huge family portrait of the happy Hudson-family. Quinn shut her eyes.

"You finally realized you love me?" he asked, his voice sarcastic.

"Puck, listen to me" she began.

"Or do you just want to get laid?"

"Puck, shut up" she yelled.

Her voice broke. He went quiet.

"Finn and Rachel, they died. Tonight. In a car crash."

Tears burned in her eyes.

"Is this a fucking joke?"

"No, Puck. It isn't."

"Where's Lily?"

"With me, in their house."

"I'll be there in ten. I just have to find my car keys."

"Puck, you're drunk. You can't drive."

"Oh, right. I'll take cab."

"See you."

She hung up the phone and put it down in the couch next to her. Lily stirred in her sleep, unaware of everything. Quinn wished she could be as unaware.

Noah Puckerman wasn't Quinn's favorite person. Frankly, if it wasn't for Rachel and Finn, she probably wouldn't have seen him again after graduation. In high-school they had been a couple for a while, mostly because Quinn had been pregnant with his child, but after they gave the baby away, they had drifted apart. But since Rachel, Quinn's best friend, and Finn, Puck's best friend, decided to be soul mates, they were very much in each other's lives. Quinn could stand him now. Even though he was self-centered, cocky and man whore, she could stand him. That was it.

"Hey" he said as she opened the door.

She didn't know what to do, but he solved that by hugging her closely. She could feel his breathe on her neck, it was warm and it soothed her.

"This can't be true" he whispered.

She slowly stroked his back.

"I know" she whispered back.

"They can't be gone."

"I know."

He drew a long breath and let go of her. Her arms felt empty without him.

"What's going to happen to Lily?" he asked, turning around to try and find her.

"She's in her nursery" Quinn answered his unasked question.

She couldn't answer the one he had asked. She didn't know.

"Maybe Rachel's dads…" she said.

"They live in a gay community in Bali."

"What about Finn's mom and Burt?"

"Burt's sick, Quinn. He might not live through the year. Carole can't look after him and the baby at the same time."

"You're right" she admitted.

He put an arm around her shoulders.

"I'm tired" she whispered.

"You sleep in their bed, I'll sleep on the couch" Puck offered.

Maybe he wanted her refuse, but she didn't. She just nodded and went upstairs. She had never felt more like disappearing into nothingness.

* * *

><p>Puck woke up four hours later on the couch. His back hurt like hell. Why was he on Finn and Rachel's couch? Why was he so hung-over? Why was Lily screaming like hell upstairs? Then it all came back to him. Quinn's phone call as he was making-out with that Bulgarian girl, the cab ride to the house, during which he had cried like a baby, and Quinn's face as she opened the door, the controlled Quinn Fabray looking scared. Fuck. Finn was dead. His best friend in the entire world. Dead.<p>

Lily stopped screaming eventually and Quinn came down with her in her arms.

"Morning" she said.

Her hair was up in a tight bun, she was wearing the same outfit as yesterday but it was newly ironed. She looked tidy and controlled again.

"Morning" he replied, sitting up.

"I have to get to work" she said.

"You're going to work today?"

"I have to. I'm the boss."

Quinn was the owner and CEO of Fabray's Publishing, a company that published new and interesting writers. It was fairly successful as far as Puck knew.

"I can take the day off" Puck said.

"Great."

Puck was the lead guitarist in the band that played behind Santana Lopez on her tours. For months at a time he would travel, and then he could be home, strumming his guitar, recording tracks for her new singles for six months. Today, he was off, but it sounded better to say that he would take the day off.

"I'll be home early" Quinn said, handing him Lily.

Up close he could see that her eyes were red. There was a crack in the perfect mask. It consoled him.

"Call me if you need anything" she said and left.

Puck held up Lily in front of him. She smiled at him. God, she looked exactly like Finn when she smiled. Puck's heart ached.

"Hey babe" he whispered to the baby. "I'm sorry your parents are gone. I'm sorry that they aren't gonna see you grow up, baby girl."

She began to cry in his arms. Her face contorted and her yells again echoed across the huge house.

"I know, babe" he whispered. "I want to cry to."

Puck realized during those few hours that he had no idea how to take care of a baby. When Lily's diaper smelled really bad, he pulled it off and put her in the bath tub. He had no idea how to put a new one on, so he let her crawl around the house naked. It resulted in pee all over his new shoes. He didn't really know what to feed her when she cried. He tried an apple, but she didn't really have the teeth to eat it. He tried some baby food he found in the fridge, but she refused it. In the end, he gave her cornflakes, which she ate with relish. Puck had a feeling that Quinn wouldn't have fed cornflakes to a baby.

"I don't know what I'm doing" he whispered in Lily's ear when she finally fell asleep. "All I want to do is to go out and get drunk."

He promised himself he would when Quinn got home. He would take a cab to a bar and drink until he couldn't see straight. Quinn could take care of Beth.

"Sit down" Quinn said as she entered thehouse the afternoon.

Her bun was out and her golden hair brushed her shoulders.

"Why?"

"I think you need to sit down."

Puck sat down on a kitchen chair. Fear built up inside him. What else had gone wrong? Who else had died?

"I spoke with Finn and Rachel's lawyer today" Quinn began.

"Okay."

"They left us the house and all their assets, Puck."

"Why would they do that?"

Quinn twisted her hands.

"They wanted us to take care of Lily."

"We are taking care of her."

"I mean, forever. Raise her, together, in this house."

Puck actually laughed. It sounded hoarse.

"You're kidding?"

"No, I'm not. It's in their will."

"They wanted you and me , to live in this house, and raise their kid."

"Yes."

"That's fucked up, Quinn."

"Don't swear" she hissed, looking meaningfully at Lily.

"She's asleep."

Quinn sat down to, but then got up again.

"We can't do this, Puck. We gave up our kid 10 years ago because we couldn't raise a baby together."

Puck sighed, looking at Quinn pacing the kitchen. He had wanted to keep that baby, but Quinn was right. It had been the right thing giving her up. They didn't work a team, Quinn and him. She was controlling and a perfectionist. He was laid-back and sloppy.

"Maybe there's someone else" Puck began.

"As we said yesterday, none of their parents can take her. Neither of Rachel and Finn have siblings, no real ones anyway. And Kurt, god, I don't even know where Kurt is nowadays."

"I think he's living in Amsterdam."

"Kurt can't take of Lily."

"We could ask him" Puck suggested.

"Fine. You do it. You call him up and ask him if he wants to take care of his stepbrother's baby."

Quinn aggressively reached for the phone and handed it to him.

"I don't have his number, Quinn" he said calmly.

"Then find it!"

She stomped off and closed the bathroom door hard behind her. Puck could hear her crying.

"Kurt, it's Puck" Puck said into the phone.

"Hi!"

The reception was really bad.

"How are you?"

"Wonderful!"

"Right. Good. Kurt, did anyone tell you about Rachel and Finn?"

"Yes" Kurt answered.

His voice had changed, it was low-key now.

"Lily's an orphan, she needs someone to take care of her" Puck began.

"Noah, I live in Amsterdam. I share an apartment with seven other guys. I work nights at a gay club."

"Right, I get it."

"I love Lily, but I only met her once…"

"I know."

"I'm coming home for the funeral though; it's in two weeks, right?"

Quinn must have planned it today. Her effectiveness stunned Puck.

"Sure."

"See you then."

"Yeah, see you then."

Puck hung up the phone and leaned back in his chair.

"No luck?" Quinn asked.

She had smudged make-up all over her face.

"Nope."

"Fuck" she whispered.

"Language, Fabray" Puck said, smiling.

She actually smiled back.

"You hungry? I'll make some dinner."

Puck nodded. The booze could wait.


	2. Chapter 2 Begin, Began, Begun

"How are you holding up?" Tina asked, looking up from some bills at her desk.

"I don't know. You?"

"I'm okay. I didn't know them like you did."

Quinn nodded and sighed heavily. She was reading a book manuscript about an egg that walked around the world. It was extremely arty and deep, but today she couldn't handle it. All she wanted to do was to go home to her apartment, put on some PJs and watch _Americas Next Top Model _or something equally stupid.

"Why don't you take the day off?" Tina asked carefully.

"No, I can't. I have so much to do."

"I'll cover for you."

"So that the boss won't found out?" Quinn asked, smiling.

Tina giggled.

"Yeah."

Quinn had started this business five years ago and Tina had been on her side since the beginning. Quinn loved books and literature and words, so did Tina. Additionally, Tina was a much better people-person than Quinn. They balanced each other out, the business-mind and the people-person. They were a good team.

"I'll be back in the morning."

"Sure. Who's taking care of Lily right now?"

"Puck's home with her. Bless his work hours."

"And how are you two working it out so far?" Tina asked, stacking the bills into a perfect pile.

"Fine, I guess."

Quinn thought back to their dinner last night. She had made lasagna and he had opened a bottle of cheap wine. It had been nice and quiet. No teasing and no talking. Just two grown people sharing their sorrow in silence.

"And you're going to raise Lily together?"

"I don't know. I don't know if he's ready for that."

"Are you ready?" Tina asked, raising her eyebrows.

"No. Not really."

Tina smiled sympathetically.

"I'm sure you two will work it out."

"I hope so."

Quinn got up and picked up her purse.

"If you need help, call me" Tina said. "Ok?"

"Thanks."

"Anytime, Q."

Puck and Lily were watching cartoons when Quinn got home. Well, Lily was awake, facing the screen. Puck was asleep, snoring loudly. Irritated, Quinn threw a pillow at him. He woke with a start.

"W-What are you doing home?" he asked groggily.

"Why are you asleep?" Quinn bit back.

"Just dozed off for a bit."

She sighed and began to pick up toys from the floor. Why was he such a slob?

"Have she eaten?"

"What?"  
>"It's noon, Puck. Has she eaten anything?"<p>

"No."

Quinn picked up Lily. She didn't look hungry, but Quinn was annoyed with Puck. She worked and cooked and took care of Lily. All Puck did was sleep. Quinn wished she could sleep.

"Quinn, I just slept for like five minutes" Puck said, getting on to his feet.

"Sure."

"I'm serious. I take good care of her."

"Really? Then why was I the one who got out of bed all three times last night to make her stop crying? Why am I the one changing diapers and feeding her?"

Quinn took out a can of baby food. The lid was stuck. She couldn't open it.

"Because I don't know how to do any of that shit, Quinn."

"Don't say that word."

"She's one, Quinn. She isn't going to start saying _shit _just because I said it."

"Just don't, okay?"

"Fine."

Quinn fought with the lid. It was really stuck. She wanted to cry. Puck took the can from her and easily opened it. She snatched it from his hands.

"Quinn, I don't know how to handle babies. But I love her. So much. So if you teach me, I'll help."

Quinn closed her eyes and breathed.

"I'll do it."

"Good" he said, smiling.

"No, not teach you. I'll take care of her. I'll sell my apartment and move in here. You don't have to. I know that a baby doesn't really suit your lifestyle."

"My lifestyle?"  
>"Puck, I'm giving you a way out. No hard feelings. You can eat Sunday dinner with us and play guitar for her on her birthdays. No obligations."<p>

Puck furrowed his brow and snatched the can back from Quinn. He picked up a spoon and dipped into the brown mixture that was supposed to be food. He fed Lily and she ate.

"I'm not leaving. I love her. Finn and Rachel wanted me to take care of her. They trusted me with her. I'm not letting them down."

He looked defiantly at her. She smiled.

"Fine. When you're done feeding her, I'll show you how to change a diaper."

"I can't wait."

Hours later, when Lily as asleep and the two of them were watching the news Quinn brought up Finn and Rachel again. She just couldn't help herself.

"I can't believe they're not here anymore" she said.

Puck glanced at her from across the couch. He bit his lip. Maybe he wanted her to shut up so he could hear how the game had ended. He was a big Rangers-fan.

"Me neither" he exhaled slowly.

"She was pregnant. Just two months or something, but still. She was going to tell Finn at that dinner. I helped her buy a new dress, just for the occasion. She was so happy that Lily was getting a sibling."

"I didn't know that" Puck murmured.

"I was the only one who knew."

Quinn twisted her fingers together as if the was holding someone's hand.

"This house is so empty without her" Quinn continued. "She was always singing. Or talking. Or both. Now, it's quiet."

"Yeah" Puck agreed.

Quinn met his gaze. He wasn't very verbal about this, but how could she blame him? His best friend was dead. As far as Quinn knew, Finn had been Puck's only real friend. Sure, he had Santana whom he had a "no strings attached"-relationship with. And he met girls at bars every night. But other than that, Puck seemed kind of lonely.

"The funeral is the Tuesday after next" Quinn said. "I've arranged everything."

He nodded.

"I heard."

"Do you want to say anything? At the service, I mean?"

He breathed in.

"No" he said. "Not really."

"Me neither."

He smiled at her.

"We were never the ones that were good with talking about emotions, were we?"

"No" she agreed. "I guess not."

Puck leaned across the couch and took her twisted hands into his.

"Hey, Quinn" he said.

His hands were warm around hers. She immediately felt better. It was a miracle what some body heat could do.

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad that we're in this together."

"Me too."

* * *

><p>Puck took Lily with him to band practice the next day. They were playing a gig in Manhattan in a few weeks and needed to rehearse some new songs. Rick and Paul were already there when Puck arrived. Julian, the drummer, was always late so it wasn't a big surprise that he wasn't there yet.<p>

"Is that your long lost love child? Rick asked, mockingly.

Rick didn't know about Beth, so he didn't know how close he could have been the truth.

"No" Puck said, putting Lily down on the floor and giving her a drumstick to play with.

"Who is the kid then?"

"Lily. She's Finn's kid, right?" Paul said.

Paul also had an on- and off-relationship with Santana and had on occasion met Lily when Santana come over to visit Finn and Rachel.

"Yeah" Puck said.

They didn't know that Finn was dead. They didn't know that Rachel was dead.

"You baby-sitting her then?" Rick asked.

"Sort of."

Puck was tired of mourning. He wanted to forget about death for a while, but if Rick and Paul knew the truth he wouldn't be able to. All he wanted was to disappear into the music for a few hours.

Practice ran long and Puck called Quinn so that she could come and pick Lily up. When she entered the room Julian stopped playing, Rick put on a goofy smile and Paul sat up a little straighter in his seat. Quinn Fabray had that effect on people. In High School she had been the girl next door, blonde and gorgeous. But time had treated her well. Her features were sharper now, her eyes deeper and her body more self-assured. She made boys turn their heads, but she didn't seem to care like she had in High School. Maybe she was immune to it now.

"Well hello" Rick said.

He was licking his lips. Puck snorted at him, picked up the sleeping Lily and gave her Quinn.

"Hi" she said.

"Are you Puckermans new girl, then?" Julian asked.

Puck sighed heavily.

"Shut up."

"Does he have a new girl?" Quinn asked, amused.

"Yeah. He's never at home anymore when I call him. He's always somewhere that I can hear some chick in the background" Julian continued.

"I'm not his girl" Quinn said politely.

She kissed Lily's head.

"Are you single, then?" Rick asked.

"Rick, give it a rest" Puck interrupted, annoyed.

"It was nice meeting all of you" Quinn said.

As she left, all the boys watched her.

"Who is she?" Rick asked.

"Quinn Fabray" Paul answered. "I've met her at Finn's with Santana once."

"I want to marry her" Julian sighed, holding his hands across his heart.

"You are so lame" Puck said. "Let's just play."

"You want her" Julian said.

"No, I don't. I've been down that road already and believe me, I don't."

"Then why did you look like you wanted to leave with her?" Rick asked, sticking his tongue out.

"Just shut up and play. Santana's joining us tomorrow and if we suck then, she'll kill us."

"Have you told your band mates about Finn and Rachel?" Quinn asked.

Her tone was light and she didn't even look at him as she asked. She was folding laundry. His laundry, a t-shirt that Lily had peed on and a shirt that he had spilled wine on. Her fingers folded and smoothed as she asked.

"No" he answered.

"Will you?"

There was 'why?', she understood why. He felt relieved that she did.

"No" he confessed, watching her iron his shirt.

"Okay" she said softly.

"I just need to get away from all the death" he explained.

She looked at him.

"I get it" she said calmly. "Believe me, I get it."

"Thank you for planning the funeral. I couldn't have done it."

She nodded and went back to ironing. He kept watching her. There was something about her hands touching the fabric that had him transfixed.

"My mom's coming down for the funeral" she announced.

"You're in contact with her?" Puck asked, feeling a bit shocked.

"Yeah. I have been since a few years back. She heard about Rachel and wanted to come here and help with Lily."

"So she's okay with you having this kid then?"

Judy Fabray had never exactly supported Quinn in her pregnancy. Maybe Quinn could forgive her for that, but Puck remembered to well. He remembered Quinn crying in his bed over that her parents had kicked her out. He couldn't forgive anyone who did that to their daughter.

"She was scared back then. My dad treated her badly and she was drank to much…"

"I don't want her around Lily" he interrupted.

Quinn slowly looked up to face him. Her face was had turned hard.

"Why not?"

"She wasn't a good mom. She was abandoned you, she drank, she treated you badly. She won't be good influence on Lily."

"She's my _mother_, Puck. Do you hear what you're saying about my _mother_?"

"She didn't act like a mother."

"I'm sorry my family isn't perfect" Quinn answered stiffly, turning her back on him.

"She's not your family, Quinn. She kicked you out when you were sixteen and terrified. Families don't do that!"

He got up from the couch and grabbed her arm. She snatched it away, still facing away from him.

"That makes me an orphan" she said. "With your logic, that makes me an orphan, Puck. No dad, no mom."

Even though he couldn't see her face, he knew that she was crying now. He could tell by her body posture.

"My dad abandoned me, Quinn. When my sister was a baby and I was six. He's not my family anymore."

"But you have a mom. I have no one."

Puck sighed silently. How had he gotten into this mess? Quinn was upset and mad at him. All he wanted was to keep Judy Fabray away from his kid.

"I have no family" Quinn whispered.

She glanced at the laundry basket, grabbed it and then left the room. Puck could hear her enter the bathroom and just like last night, he heard her sobbing in there.


	3. Chapter 3 Blood isn't thicker than water

"Have you told your band mates about Finn and Rachel?" Quinn asked.

Her tone was light and she didn't even look at him as she asked. She was folding laundry. His laundry; a t-shirt that Lily had peed on and a shirt that he had spilled wine on. Her fingers folded and smoothed as she asked.

"No" he answered.

"Will you?"

There wasn't a 'why?', she understood why. He felt relieved that she did.

"No" he confessed, watching her iron his shirt.

"Okay" she said softly.

"I just need to get away from all the death" he explained.

She looked at him.

"I get it" she said calmly. "Believe me, I get it."

"Thank you for planning the funeral. I couldn't have done it."

She nodded and went back to ironing. He kept watching her. There was something about her hands touching the fabric that had him transfixed.

"My mom's coming down for the funeral" she announced.

"You're in contact with her?" Puck asked, feeling a bit shocked.

"Yeah. I have been since a few years back. She heard about Rachel and wanted to come here and help with Lily."

"So she's okay with you having this kid then?"

Judy Fabray had never exactly supported Quinn in her pregnancy. Maybe Quinn could forgive her for that, but Puck remembered to well. He remembered Quinn crying in his bed over that her parents had kicked her out. He couldn't forgive anyone who did that to their daughter.

"She was scared back then. My dad treated her badly and she was drank too much…"

"I don't want her around Lily" he interrupted.

Quinn slowly looked up to face him. Her face had turned hard.

"Why not?"

"She wasn't a good mom. She was abandoned you, she drank, she treated you badly. She won't be good influence on Lily."

"She's my _mother_, Puck. Do you hear what you're saying about my _mother_?"

"She didn't act like a mother."

"I'm sorry my family isn't perfect" Quinn answered stiffly, turning her back on him.

"She's not your family, Quinn. She kicked you out when you were sixteen and terrified. Families don't do that!"

He got up from the couch and grabbed her arm. She snatched it away, still facing away from him.

"That makes me an orphan" she said. "With your logic, that makes me an orphan, Puck. No dad, no mom."

Even though he couldn't see her face, he knew that she was crying now. He could tell by her body posture.

"My dad abandoned me, Quinn. When my sister was a baby and I was six. He's not my family anymore."

"But you have a mom. I have no one."

Puck sighed silently. How had he gotten into this mess? Quinn was upset and mad at him. All he wanted was to keep Judy Fabray away from his kid.

"I have no family" Quinn whispered.

She glanced at the laundry basket, grabbed it and then left the room. Puck could hear her enter the bathroom and just like last night, he heard her sobbing in there.

* * *

><p>Quinn rented out her apartment to a young girl with big hair and southern accent. It wasn't a big place, but it was nice and most importantly it was in the city, New York City. Finn and Rachel's house lay in a suburb between mansions and well-groomed lawns. Quinn had a feeling that she would miss the city, but there wasn't much to be done about that. She didn't ask Puck what he was doing with his place, she didn't want to fight, but she assumed he wasn't renting it out.<p>

The funeral was everything a funeral should be. It was sad, it rained and everybody cried. Well, no, not everyone. Quinn didn't cry and Puck didn't cry and Lily didn't cry, but everyone else seemed to be bawling. Carole, who had lost her only son sat next to Mr. and Mr. Berry who had lost their only daughter. Jesse St. James, Rachel's high school crush, cried dramatically in the back. Quinn felt unnerved. She wasn't used to being inside synagogues, actually, she hadn't been inside one since Finn and Rachel's wedding. She was a born and raised Christian, anything else felt weird to her.

"I'm so sorry for you loss" a colleague of Rachel told Quinn.

Quinn nodded and smiled. She was so tired of that phrase that she might kill herself. Instead she stuffed her mouth with mini-quiches that the caterer had baked.

"Can't they leave soon?" Puck muttered in her ear. "I want to go to bed."

"I wish" she muttered back.

He was carrying Lily around, she hadn't slept all day, maybe she knew something was going on.

"I can't even bare to look at Carole. She lost her soon and she's about to lose her husband. I just can't bare it" Quinn whispered.

Puck nodded slowly.

"Yeah" he said.

He left Quinn and headed for Carole. There, he put Lily into her lap. Carole held the tiny child in her arms with such caring that Quinn smiled to herself. Puck had known what to do. Of course he had.

"How are you feeling, darling?" her mother, who had come out of nothing, asked.

Quinn jumped.

"Fine" she answered a bit too quickly.

Of course she wasn't fine. How could she be fine?

"You're living here with _him_?" her mother asked.

The question was neutral, but her tone wasn't. Apparently Judy liked Puck just as much as Puck liked Judy.

"Yes."

"Quinn, that can't be healthy. You two have so much history together."

"I know, mom, but there isn't much I can do about it."

"You can take care of Lily on your own, I'll help you."

Quinn smiled.

"They wanted Puck, mom. Rachel and Finn wanted me and Puck to do it" she said softly.

Puck was sitting on his knees, playing with Lily as she sat in Carole's lap. Carole was laughing,

"He doesn't want this, Quinn. He wants to screw around and drink beer, you know that, right?" Judy said.

Quinn stiffened and turned again to face her mother.

"Can we please not do this right now?" she asked.

"Fine" her mother said, shrugging.

Quinn glanced at the huge family portrait of the Hudson family. Rachel was smiling proudly. She had always known what she was doing. Had she and Finn been right appointing Puck and Quinn guardians? Quinn hoped so.

"Can we discuss it now?" Judy asked.

She was drying dishes and Quinn was loading the plates into the shelves. Puck was upstairs, trying to get Lily to sleep. Quinn didn't want to discuss it, not now. She had just hosted the funeral for her best friend in the world. She couldn't handle criticism right now.

"Sure" she said.

"Quinn, even when you were sixteen you realized what kind of guy _he_ is. He's not the guy who stays faithful or cooks for you or takes care of children. That's why you told everybody that Finn was the daddy of your baby, that's why you gave the baby away."

"I'm not marrying him, mom."

"I know and thank god for that. But this situation is similar to marriage, Quinn. And I think it will only hurt Lily if he stays and then leaves."

"He loves her."

"He'll leave, Quinn. He's a musician, right? What happens if he goes on tour?"

Quinn had finished stacking plates and now just watched her mother. She looked old and tense. Her hair had begun to gray in the temples, but she still wore expensive clothes and jewelry. And her wedding ring. Why was she still wearing that?

"Then I'll take care of her while he's gone."

"What if he falls in love and marries a girl? What if you fall in love?" Judy asked, raising her well-plucked eyebrows and giving a few dry plates to Quinn.

"I don't know, mom, I don't know. But this is Finn and Rachel's kid and they wanted us to take care of her."

Her mother snorted.

"They're dead, Quinn. They won't know the difference."

Quinn froze. She closed her eyes.

"Mom, you need to leave."

"Why?" her mother asked, with an amused tone in her voice.

"Please leave. I can't have you here right now."

"Come on, Quinn. "

"What's going on?" Puck asked, as he came down the stairs.

"Quinn and I are talking" Judy said. "In private."

"Mom, I want you to leave" Quinn whispered.

"Don't be ridiculous."

Puck entered the kitchen, his brow furrowed.

"I'm not being ridiculous. My friends just _died_, mom. "

"And I'm here to help you!"

"You're not helping."

"Judy, I think you should leave" Puck said calmly.

"Don't you tell me what to do, you worthless screw-up" Judy spat.

"Mom, get out of my house. Now."

"This isn't your house, Quinn. This is the house of your friends. The ones who died that you are trying to be like. A tip; it isn't working."

Puck grabbed Judy's arm.

"Let's go" he said.

Quinn closed her eyes again.

"Where am I supposed to go?" Judy asked.

"I'll drive you to the airport. You can take a plane home in the morning" Puck said sternly.

Quinn watched him guide her mother out. When the door closed behind them, she broke down and began to cry.

* * *

><p>"She's too good for you" Mrs. Fabray said.<p>

Puck turned the radio up. He hated her, yes, he did. She was a drunk with no motherly instincts.

"I know" he replied.

"Good because she knows it too. She has known it since she was sixteen and chose Finn over you."

"I have no interest in her in that way" Puck said in a monotone voice.

Why was the car ride to the airport so long?

"Of course you do. I can see it in your face that you do."  
>"Because you know me <em>so<em> well."

"Maybe not, but I have seen boys before. I've seen Finn and Sam and countless boys during college look at Quinn just like you look at her know."

"Good for you" Puck replied.

He was tired of this shit. He wanted to go home, curl up in his bed that he moved from his apartment to the guestroom and sleep. He wanted to sleep until this day was over.

"She might fall in love with you" Judy said. "And you will break her heart."

"Just stop."

"She might find something beyond that terrible attitude of yours and fall in love. But Quinn can't deal with you cheating on her or leaving on tours or lying to her. Maybe the girls you have dated in the past have dealt with it, but Quinn won't. She'll kick you out and get broken hearted. "

Puck turned up the radio even higher. "Creep" by Radiohead blasted out of the speakers. Only five miles left to the airport.

"You were right" Quinn said

She had finished all the dishes while he was gone. She looked absolutely beat. He felt the same.

"I wish I hadn't been" he replied.

She smiled weakly and gave him a cup of coffee. He actually didn't drink coffee, but he might need the caffeine tonight. She sat down on the kitchen floor and for a second she looked exactly like the old Quinn Fabray. The one that had given away her baby and hadn't smile for the rest of High School. It hurt him to see that Quinn again.

"How can this be happening?" she breathed.

Puck sank down next to her. The floor was cold and hard.

"I don't know."

"We just hosted the funeral of our best friends. I'm 28 and I just buried the most important person in my life."

"Yeah" he exhaled.

The coffee didn't taste as bad as he had expected. It warmed him up inside.

"And now we're living in her house and taking care of her baby and eating on her wedding china" she went on.

Puck put his arm around her shoulder.

"I know, Q."

"We have to go to court so that we are granted custody of Lily."

"I know."

"This is the real deal, Puck. We can't just walk away if we sign that paper" Quinn said.

Her tone was serious.

"I'm not leaving" he said.

"Me neither."

A faint cry echoed from the nursery. Quinn sighed and made a movement to get up. Puck pushed her down.

"I'll get her. You should get some sleep" he said.

"Thank you."

"Sure."

He left the floor and went up the stairs and entered his new life.

* * *

><p>"Rachel would kill me if she saw me now" Quinn whispered in Lily's ear as they entered the small catholic church.<p>

It was empty, it was the middle of the day, but Quinn immediately felt less alone. It wasn't so much about God as it was about feeling at home. She wasn't at home in Rachel's house yet (actually, just calling it Rachel's house proved that) but a church was almost secure and safe for Quinn.

"Your mommy was a Jew and she would not like that I brought you here" Quinn whispered.

Lily just smiled at her and sucked on her fingers.

"Puck, he's a Jew too and he might not like that I'm bringing you here either, but I don't care. When you get older, you can choose what religion you like. Or none. I'm giving you a choice; I bet your mommy wouldn't let you choose. She forced your daddy to convert. He didn't care though. He did anything for her" Quinn whispered as she sat down on a bench.

She drew a big breath of air. It smelled like old parchment and wood.

"She drove me mad at times, but she was my best friend. I hated her all through High School, did you know that? I sort of had a thing for your daddy and she annoyed me like hell. Then we both moved to New York and something changed. She was my best friend."

Lily made some noises and smiled again. She looked happy and peaceful. Dark eyes like her mother, a smile like her father. Quinn wondered which personality she would get, Rachel's loud and bossy or Finn's strong and silent.

"Your daddy was so sweet, Lily. He was the best dad and a good friend to everyone. He kept Puck in check and he kept Rachel sane. He gave up everything for her. He left Lima to find her and moved here to get closer to her. He gave up his football-career for her, Lil. He was happy just being his husband."

Quinn looked up at the cross in the front of the church. It had been a long time since she prayed. After giving up her baby in High School her faith in prayers had almost disappeared.

"They were like a family to me, Lil. She was like my sister and he was like my brother. The only family I had and now they are gone."

She looked down again, Lily had fallen asleep. Quinn kissed her forehead and got up. She needed to get to work. Puck was rehearsing with his band so she would bring Lily with her. In the doorway she met an old woman.

"Your daughter is lovely" the women said, smiling.

"Oh, she isn't..." Quinn began, but then reconsidered. "Thank you."

The women smiled and Quinn left. A feeling of pride bubbled inside of her.


	4. Chapter 4 What did you expect?

Quinn didn't have problem with Santana Lopez. It was just that she always was the loudest and funniest and the prettiest. Maybe Quinn was just jealous. Santana had two records that had sold platinum, she had been nominated for Grammy's and she just got more beautiful with every day. Also, after being shot down by Brittany she had turned (or tried to be) super heterosexual and spent every night with different guys. Puck was one of her victims.

"Hey Quinny!" Santana yelled.

She dropped the microphone of the floor and the sound that echoed out of the speakers hurt Quinn's ear. Santana hugged her closely, she smelled like perfume and wine.

"Hi."

"Aren't you sweet to drop by?" Santana said.

Puck sat on the floor with his guitar and a bottle of beer.

"I just wanted to tell Puck that I got the papers today. It's done" Quinn said.

"What is done?" Rick asked. "Your marriage license?"

Puck punched him. He got it. He knew that Quinn had gotten the papers saying that Lily was their kid now.

"We should celebrate" he said.

"Yes! Quinn join the party!" Rick exclaimed.

He got up and stumbled towards her. Apparently they were doing more drinking and less rehearsing. Rick was wasted.

"No thanks" she said. "I left Lily with Tina for a few minutes. I'm going to pick her up and then go home."

"I'll go with you" Puck said and stood up.

"No" Santana whined. "We are rehearsing for my gig!"

"No, San, we're drinking" Puck said.

He leaned in to kiss her cheek. She turned her face so that the kiss landed on her lips. Quinn sighed to herself, some things never changed.

"Puck, I really want you to stay" Santana said. "I _missed you."_

"No, not tonight" Puck said, but his voice wasn't as sure as before.

Santana kissed him again. The guys on the band whistled. Didn't it bother them that she treated them like changeable dolls? One night she slept with Paul and the next with Puck. Then again, if they got laid, boys never cared.

"See you tomorrow" Quinn said and left.

She didn't get to her car before Puck caught up with her. He had lipstick all over his face and a drunken look in his eyes.

"I'll go with you" he said. "We should celebrate."

She smiled and patted his shoulder.

"It's okay, we can celebrate tomorrow."

"Really?"

"Sure."

"I'll cook" he volunteered.

Quinn imagined that he would regret that promise in the morning.

"Great" she said.

He clumsily leaned in and kissed her cheek. For a fraction of a second Quinn wanted to do just like Santana and turn her face towards him. But she didn't.

...

She heard him stumble into the house at four in the morning. She was a light sleeper and he was noisy. It annoyed her. Yes, she had given him her approval. But he had a kid now. He couldn't come home at four in the morning on a Tuesday. She heard banging the cabinets and opening the fridge and collecting plates. It was a wonder that Lily didn't wake up. The annoyance in Quinn grew and at half past five, she got up and went downstairs. There he was, asleep on the couch, mouth open, clothes creased. Quinn sighed and went into the kitchen to make coffee. There she stopped, stunned. He had made breakfast. Omelets and scrambled eggs and bacon (oh, bacon!) and coffee was on the table. And two plates. He had made breakfast for them.

"Puck" she said.

He didn't react. She shook him and his eyes flew open.

"Where's the fire?" he mumbled.

"Did you make breakfast?"

"Yeah. I told you I'd cook" he murmured and closed his eyes again.

"I didn't think you'd remember" she said, sliding down into the couch at his feet.

He curled up to give her more space.

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because you were wasted last night."

"Yeah."

"That's really sweet" she said.

He smirked.

"I even made bacon for you" he said, grinning.

"I saw that. Do you feel dirty?"

"Yes" he said, nodding. "In so many ways."

She laughed and got up.

"I didn't need to know that" she said.

"Don't ask then."

She shook her head at him and headed for the kitchen. The bacon was a bit cold, but it didn't matter. It all tasted wonderful.

"Oh, cold coffee" Puck muttered as he poured himself a cup.

"You can reheat it" Quinn said.

"Nah, I don't like it anyway."

He sat down beside her and stole some of her omelet with his fingers.

"Hey, get your own" she said and snatched at his hand.

He laughed.

"Hey, Quinn?"

"Yeah."

"We have a kid" he said.

* * *

><p>The day of the gig finally came. It was small thing, mostly industry people. Puck didn't like playing for industry people. All they did was clap hands politely and drink beer. Real fans screamed and sang and filled Puck with energy. Now, all he felt were nerves. It had been almost six months since they had gotten back from Santana's world tour. He felt a bit rusty, but Santana clearly didn't. She danced around backstage, reapplying lip gloss and doing vocal exercises. Puck envied her.<p>

"Come on, Puck" she yelled in his ear.

He smiled at her. She handed him a bottle of vodka. He took a big gulp and felt the burning sensation in his throat. He liked bear better.

"We're on in ten minutes!" Rick yelled from across the room.

Puck nodded. Ten minutes. Why was he so nervous? He never used to be. Growing up, he had always loved playing the guitar in front of relatives and friends of his mothers. In High School, Glee club had been the only thing that had kept him going to school. Well, Glee and Quinn. He always used to go to school to see her. Quinn. She was coming tonight. She was bringing Tina and her boyfriend, who apparently was a big fan of Santana (what guys with eyes weren't?). Puck had gotten them tickets. They probably were standing on the other side of that curtain. Puck swallowed. Why was he nervous to play in front of Quinn?

"Come on, Puck" Santana yelled again.

But this time she wasn't trying to get him to drink, this time it was time to get on stage.

...

He couldn't see her. He had bright spotlights in his eyes and the club or whatever it was, was packed. Apparently a lot of industry people wanted to see Santana Lopez. This was the first time she had performed in the US in two years. Puck felt the nervousness leave him as he struck the first chord. He loved this. Yes, he did. He loved playing in front of people, even if they were stuffy record label people in suits. He loved it. He loved playing with the guys, he loved hearing Santana's voice. And as they finished their last song he spotted Quinn through the blinding light, just for a second. She was smiling. He found himself smiling too.

...

"You were amazing" Tina's boyfriend Luke exclaimed.

He was staring at Santana's boobs; Tina elbowed him in the ribs.

"You really were" Quinn said.

This was the first time Puck had seen her dress up in a long time. Her hair was loose and wavy. Her eyelashes looked even longer than natural and she wore a pretty dress.

"Thanks" he said, trying not to stare at her.

She stood up on tiptoe and kissed his cheek. Her lips were cool against his hot skin. Maybe that was why it burned.

"I love performing" Santana exclaimed, spinning around on the spot.

"You're amazing" Luke repeated.

"You're sweet" she said and kissed him.

Puck saw Tina bite her lip. He would have been pissed if he was Tina, but he knew, just as Tina knew, that Santana didn't mean anything by it. They had grown up with her, they knew her. They knew that she kissed boys all the time. It was just her way of showing her appreciation.

"Let's get drinks" Tina said, trying to distract her boyfriend.

Puck nodded. He could use a beer to calm down.

"Yeah, I want a beer, baby" Luke said, not taking his eyes from Santana.

Tina sighed.

"How about Puck and I get the drinks" Quinn said. "And you three talk."

Luke looked disgruntled, but Santana smiled widely.

"Oh yes. I haven't spoken to my Tinabear in years! Years, I say!"

Quinn shook her head and they went to the bar.

...

"She's a drama queen" Puck said apologetically.

"I know."

Of course she did. Santana used to be Quinn's best friend.

"What do you want?" she asked.

"A beer."

Quinn waved to the bartender.

"Five beers, please" she said, handing him a bill.

"No, let me pay" Puck protested, trying to force the bartender to take his bill instead.

"Stop it. This is my treat."

The bartender rolled his eyes and then took Puck's bill.

"The guy should always pay on a date" he said in a bored voice.

"Oh, this isn't a date" Quinn said quickly.

"Nope" Puck agreed.

The bartender sighed.

"I don't care" he said, handing Quinn her bill back.

"I'll pay next time" she said.

"So you'll come to more gigs?" Puck asked, picking up three bottles of beer.

Quinn took the other two and they made their way back to the rest.

"Of course" she said, smiling.

She looked pretty tonight. She didn't look sad or stressed or busy. She didn't look like she had a baby at home. She looked like any other 28 years old girl. He liked that.

...

"Did you write the last song?" she asked as they got into the cab to go home.

It was three in the morning. Tina and Luke had gone home earlier and Santana was still at the party. That left Quinn and Puck to go home, together. Which was very convenient since they shared a house.

"Yeah. How did you know?"

"I remember how your songs used to sound" she said, smiling.

Puck tilted his head back against the head rest. He remembered playing her songs as she lay on his bed when they were younger. He used to write lullabies to their unborn child. She would always tell him to shut up, that the baby wouldn't hear them anyway. But in the end she sang along with the lyrics.

"Lily's at Carole's?" Puck asked.

"Yep."

He was a tiny bit drunk. Not wasted, not at all, just happy. She was too. He had counted her drinks and seen how her behavior changed. He had only seen Quinn Fabray drunk twice in all his life. Once when Rachel held a party in their junior year and they all had gotten wasted. And once, in her room, the night that Beth was conceived.

"Quinn" he whispered.

"Yeah?"

She looked even more beautiful now. The street lamps made her features hard and edgy. Her makeup wasn't perfect anymore. Her eyes weren't guarded.

"Nothing" he exhaled.

She nodded as the cab stopped in front of their house. Quinn handed the driver a note. Puck didn't argue with her this time.

* * *

><p>When Quinn entered the house she immediately walked over to the stereo. She found Rachel's CD, the one she had made that only contained old Broadway classics. It hadn't sold in that many copies, but in the Broadway world, it was appreciated. Quinn found track number five, <em>Don't Rain On My Parade and cranked up the volume. It wasn't really a song to dance to, but Quinn did her best. She twirled around the room and sang the phrases that she loved most.<em>

"What the hell are you doing?" Puck said, laughing.

She pulled him into her dance. Everything felt so easy.

"We used to do this. Me and Rachel. After we've been out and came back to our apartment, we used to dance to this song."

"Rachel used to dance to her own song?" Puck said, raising his eyebrows.

"No, you idiot, the Barbra-version of course. But I liked Rachel's version better. Don't you?"

He shrugged.

"Sure."

Quinn twirled again. She slipped and almost tripped, but Puck caught her.

"Thanks" she exhaled.

"Sure."

The song ended. They stopped moving. The next track began, but it was a ballad and not dance worthy.

"That portrait of them is freaking me out" Puck whispered.

"Why are you whispering?"

"Rachel would kill me if she heard me say that."

Quinn laughed. She walked over to the huge family picture and took it down. It was actually kind of creepy.

"It's our house now" he said.

"Yeah."

Puck opened the CD-box and sat down on the floor.

"What are you doing?" Quinn asked, sitting down next to him.

"Throwing away some crappy CDs. I can't have Toto in my house, I just can't."

Puck held up the CD and threw away. Quinn giggled. She picked up three different versions of the RENT soundtrack.

"Do we need three versions of _Seasons of Love?" she asked._

"Definitely not."

She threw them away, laughing.

They sat on the floor in their house for our hours, sorting CDs and listening to Rachel's voice singing songs from Les Miserable and Wicked.

...

Quinn woke up a few hours later in her bed, fully dressed. The sun shone outside, summer was growing closer every day. She felt happy and relaxed as she lay for a few minutes, thinking about the night before. Then she checked the watch on her nightstand, it was eleven AM. They were supposed to pick Lily up at ten. Crap. She got up and looked herself in the mirror. She was dressed for a party, but with mascara under her eyes and bed hair. Well, she didn't have time to fix it so she had to live it. Carole probably wouldn't mind anyway.

Quinn went down the stairs and frowned at the mess. CDs were scattered all around the living room. Pancake mixture was splattered all over the kitchen (they had been hungry at 4 AM). And the giant family portrait was taken down. Jesus. It had been a crazy night. Quinn smiled to herself. Instead of getting her coat and driving, she went upstairs. Puck was asleep in the guest room. He snored loudly as she tiptoed to his bed.

"Good morning" she whispered in his ear.

He shot up and looked frightened. Then he saw her, sighed and lay back on the pillows.

"What?" he grunted.

"I'm going to pick Lil y up" Quinn said. "And I wondered if you wanted to come."

"I'm sleeping, Quinn."

"I thought we could go IHOP and eat breakfast. " Quinn said.

"Didn't we eat pancakes last night?" Puck asked, closing his eyes again.

"No, we burned all of them."

He sighed and opened his eyes again.

"Quinn…"

"We spent all last night making this house ours. Today I want to do something together, as a family. Usually, I work and you take care of Lily. Or you work and I take care of her. We never act as a family."

"That's 'cause we're not a family" Puck moaned.

Did he have to remind her that she didn't have a family? She had felt so close to him yesterday. But now he was back on square one, lazy, immature, hung-over.

"Fine" Quinn said, getting up.

She was pissed now. Why was she supposed to get Lily and he got to sleep in? Why was he such an i_diot?_

"Okay, I'll come" he said, sitting up, rubbing his eyes.

"Don't do me any favors" Quinn said and left.

...

"I'm so sorry" Quinn apologized.

Carole smiled.

"Don't worry. I love having Lily here."

Quinn bent down and picked the little girl up. A hard knot of emotion built in her chest and she realized that she had missed her.

"Did you have a good time last night?" Carole asked, looking meaningfully at Quinn's dress.

"Yeah, we did."

"And Puck behaved?"

"He did. He was actually a decent human being last night. This morning though, he went back to being a pig" Quinn muttered.

Carole smiled and touched Quinn's cheek with her hand.

"You'll work it out, sweetheart."

"I hope so."

* * *

><p>"Hey" Puck said as he slid into the booth next to Quinn. She looked up from her pancakes, feeling the annoyance with him burning.<p>

"Hi."

He shuffled uncomfortably next to her.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I had just woken up. I wasn't awake."

"Fine."

Quinn popped a bit of pancake into Lily's mouth. She giggled and licked her lips. Quinn smiled.

"I want us to be a family, Q."

"Okay."

He grabbed her chin and turned it so she faced him.

"Look at me" he said.

She looked. His face was tense but his eyes pleading.

"I get it" she said. "You were tired."

She tried to turn her head back, but he wouldn't let her.

"I'm sorry, Quinn" he said slowly.

She breathed in his scent and closed her eyes. The annoyance was gone.

"I forgive you."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

He let go of her face. She kind of wished he hadn't.

"So, can I get some pancakes?" he asked, flagging down a waitress.

Quinn fed Lily another piece of hers as Puck ordered.

"Last night was fun" he said, his voice light again.

"It was" Quinn agreed, drinking some coffee so hide her smile.

It had been a good night.

...

"Is this your girl's first pancakes?" the waitress asked.

She was in her fifties with gray hair and a nice smile.

"I think so" Quinn said.

Puck agreed. He didn't think that Rachel would have fed their child anything non-vegan.

"She seems to like it" the waitress said, grinning widely.

"She has good taste" Puck said.

The waitress smiled.

"How 'bout a take a picture for you three?" she asked.

"Sure."

Puck took out his phone and handed it to her. Quinn made Lily laugh. Puck grinned to himself. He had become such a softie. Here he was, at 11:30 AM on a Saturday, eating pancakes with his family.

...

"I have to confess something" Quinn said.

"Please do" Puck said, lifting one eyebrow.

"I took Lily to church with me."

"You didn't!"

"I did."

"Did you also feed her bacon?"

Quinn snorted.

"Nope, not yet."

"You traitor" Puck said to Lily, shaking his head at her.

"She liked it" Quinn said.

"I bet she didn't."

"Look, seriously. Rachel wasn't very liberal about faith and neither are you. You're like 'be a Jew and I'll love you forever'" Quinn began.

"That's offensive."

"Shut up. I'm just saying, I think Lily should be able to choose her own religion."

"Because you are so liberal, miss I always where a cross Fabray" he said, shaking his head again.

"It's a habit."

"Whatever."

She smacked his cheek softly.

"Hey, listen to me. My dad forced me into religion and I just want Lily to make her own decision."

Puck sighed.

"Fine. But no Christmas."

She gasped dramatically and put a hand on her chest.

"You're not funny. Christmas is a child's right."

Puck leaned back in the booth and smiled. The sun was shining outside, he had just eaten his weight in pancakes and Lily laughed next to him.

"I'm teaching her Hebrew" he said, putting on a serious face.

"As if you even know Hebrew" Quinn said, frowning at him,

"I do."

"Then say something."

Puck bit his lip.

"Caliente" he said, trying to sound confident. "It means blessing."

Quinn burst out laughing and accidently spilled her coffee.

"That's Spanish!"

He shrugged.

"Close enough."

She laughed at him. He loved the sound of her laugh.


	5. Chapter 5 Don't stay and don't leave

Lily turned one on a Monday. Puck wrapped up band practice extra early. He bought cupcakes from a local bakery and brought them home. Feeling very pleased, he entered the kitchen. There he found Quinn, Carole and Tina baking a huge cake.

"Oh you're home!" Quinn said.

"Yeah. I brought cupcakes" he said, putting the box down on the counter.

"Great!"

"Yeah, great. I bought six cupcakes and you three are playing 'Cake Boss.'"

Quinn smiled at him and patted his cheek.

"They're very nice" she said.

"Whatever" he said smiling. "What can I do?"

"Play with Lily."

Puck nodded. He kissed Carole on the cheek, squeezed Tina's shoulder and then went upstairs to Lily. She was sitting in her crib, playing with her fingers, singing slowly herself.

"Hi birthday girl" he said, lifting her up.

She giggled and clung to him.

"One year old, Lil, you should look out for wrinkles."

* * *

><p>When the party ended Puck was tired. It was exhausting to talk to strangers for five hours. All they knew were well-mowed lawns and soccer practice and taxes. All Puck knew was booze, music and girls. It always ended with they spoke about the weather or how cute Lily was. Quinn wasn't any help. She hid in the kitchen and only came out to serve cake and sing <em>Happy Birthday. <em>No one mentioned Finn or Rachel or death, but everybody exclaimed how well Puck and Quinn were doing. As if they knew anything.

"I hate people" Puck sighed and sat down in the couch.

Quinn joined him and leaned back against the cushions.

"Me too."

"I didn't even get any cake" he grunted. "That fat lady ate it all."

Quinn got up and left. Had he been too winy? But before he got really concerned, Quinn came back. In her hands was the box of cupcakes.

"I hid two" she said, handing him a blue one.

"Oh God bless you, Quinn Fabray" Puck exclaimed taking a big bite.

"There's no pot in these though" she said, smirking.

"Hey, I did that to get money to our baby" he said.

"You fed them to the school!"

"I did it for you!"

She giggled.

"Don't laugh" he said, trying to keep a straight face. "I was being a man!"

She laughed even harder. He pressed the cupcake against her nose, making it blue with frosting. She gasped.

"Oh no you didn't!" she exclaimed.

"I did!"

She pressed her cupcake against his face, making his forehead pink.

"That's disgusting" he said.

She made another attempt to press the cupcake against his face, but grabbed her hand. She fought against his grip, biting her lip in an adorable way.

"This is such a flashback" she giggled.

"Yeah" he breathed and relaxed his grip.

She took the opportunity to attack him again. He shouted and she laughed.

"I just put Lily down" a voice behind them said.

Puck turned around and saw Carole standing in the kitchen.

"Thank you" Quinn said, panting.

Carole smiled and shook her head at them,

"Thank you for coming" Puck said.

Carole smiled and then left. Quinn titled her head back against the cushions.

"I feel like a kid" she whispered.

"Me too" he said.

She giggled and extended a finger to scrape some frosting from his face. She put the finger and her mouth and licked it off.

"I miss feeling like a kid" she sighed.

"When did you ever feel like a kid, Quinn? You grew up in fourth grade."

"I didn't. I played with dolls until High School."

"You didn't!"

She cocked her head and smiled. He was so close her, only a few inches away. It would have been so easy to lean in and kiss her. But why should he? He had no reason at all.

...

"I'm sorry for ignoring you in high school" she whispered.

"You ignored me?" he asked sarcastically.

"I'm sorry, I feel awful about it."

He smiled at her, as if it didn't still hurt.

"You broke my hand during labor and I told you that I love you. And then you ignored me for two years."  
>"I know."<p>

"Why though? You asked me if I loved you, if you didn't feel the same, why did you ask?"

The atmosphere in the room had changed. From giggly and happy, to serious and grown-up. Puck felt it every vein.

"Hey" she said softly, touching his cheek. "I loved you. I loved you so much I wanted to keep Beth just to have you around."

"You didn't need her to keep me around. I was crazy about you."

She pressed her lips together.

"It was…" she began.

"It was your mom, wasn't it?" he asked.

She nodded.

"She told me about how she had seen you with other girls. She told me that you would never be faithful, that you probably would kick me out of your house…"

"Bullshit."  
>"I had just gotten my mom back, Puck. I was scared and I needed something that was safe. She told me that if I was to live in her house, then I had to break it off with you, tell you that it was over. But I couldn't. I couldn't even look at you without wanting to be with you. That's why I ignored you. I'm sorry."<p>

Puck had during his school years had some many theories. He had thought she didn't love him or that he had done something wrong. Now, that he knew the truth, it felt like a big relief.

"I get it" he said, even though he didn't.

He would have done anything for her, but she clearly hadn't been willing to anything.

"No, you don't. I'm sorry."

"I forgive you, Q. It's not a big deal anymore."

She nodded.

"Right."

"It's not like we still feel that way" he said.

"No" she said.

"Nope."

Quinn bit her lip. Puck yawned.

"I'm going to bed" he said.

She nodded.

It wasn't like she expected him to still care. It was more than ten years ago. He had probably had tons of girlfriends since then. He probably never even thought about High School or Beth or anything. He probably didn't think at all. Quinn threw her shoes hard onto the floor without really know why she was mad. She caught a glimpse of herself in the hall mirror and saw that she had blue frosting all over face. Crap. This was just a reaction her friends dying. Puck was the only one left. That was why she reacted like this. Of course it was.

…

"It was a nice party" Tina said.

"Yeah."

"Did you and Puck have a fight?" she asked knowingly.

"Not really."

"What happened?"

"I confessed why I ignored him junior and senior year."

"And?"

"He couldn't have cared less."

Tina stacked some papers into a pile.

"Isn't that good? I mean, he didn't get mad or anything."

"I know. I'm just tired, I'm not thinking straight" Quinn sighed, signing a bill.

"Quinn?"

"Yeah."

"Did you want him to care?" Tina asked.

"No, I just… No, of course not. It was a long time ago."

"Okay."

Tina smiled sympathetically.

"Don't smile like that" Quinn grunted.

"How about coffee?" Tina asked, changing the subject.

"I can't. I'm taking Lily to the doctor. She has her one-year checkup today."

"Well good luck, mama."

"Thanks."

Quinn squeezed Tina's hand before leaving.

* * *

><p>"Lily Berry-Hudson" the doctor called.<p>

Quinn gathered Lily's things and the baby and went into the office. The doctor was African-American, fairly young and quite good looking. There was something very familiar about him.

"Hi, I'm Quinn Fabray, her guardian" she said, extending a hand.

The doctor shook it.

"Nice to meet you, Ms. Fabray. My name is Dr. Rutherford and I'm Lily's pediatrician."

That name. Quinn looked more carefully at the man.

"Matt?" she asked. "Matt Rutherford?"

"Yeah" he said smiling. "You remember me?"

"Of course. We grew up together! It's so nice to see you again."

"You too. How are you?" he asked

He had changed a lot. His voice was deeper and he had grown into his formerly huge ears.

"Fine, I'm great. Rachel never mentioned that you were Lily's doctor."

"Well," Doctor Matt Rutherford said. "I don't think Rachel recognized me."

Quinn smiled apologetically.

"I'm sure she did…"

"Rachel Berry never notice background singers that much. It's alright, though. She was very polite to me."

Quinn laughed. Matt took Lily from her and started the examination. Quinn sat down a chair and watched.

"I'm sorry for your loss" he said. "I heard Finn and Rachel passed away."

"Thank you" Quinn whispered.

For a minute she had forgotten about that. In her mind, she was going to call Rachel and call her out on not recognizing Matt. But Quinn couldn't. Rachel was dead.

"So you're raising Lily?"

"Yeah. Me and, do you remember him, Noah Puckerman."

"Sure, Puck. So you two are married?"

Quinn shook her head violently.

"No, they, Rachel and Finn, just wanted us to raise Lily together. But we're not together."

Matt nodded. He was listening to Lily's heart now. She was so tiny next to him.

"You know Quinn, I used to have a crush on you" he said smiling.

"What?"

"Yeah, I did. Since junior high."

"But you never spoke to me!" she laughed.

"I was shy!" he laughed, testing Lily's reflexes. "And you dated Finn and then you got pregnant and then I moved away."

"Too bad" she said, smiling.

Matt nodded and held Lily up.

"Has she been walking yet?" he asked.

"No, not yet."

"Well, just look out for it. And she might start talking soon too."

"Wow" Quinn breathed.

"It's kinda cool how they grow up" he said, smiling at her.

He lifted Lily up and handed her to Quinn.

"She's perfectly fine. Does she sleep well?" he asked.

"Yeah, almost always anyway."

"Good. And she likes people, like baby sitters or others that you introduce to her?"

"She likes everyone."

"Then how about you get a baby sitter on Friday and go on a date with me?" he asked, his eyes twinkling.

Was he serious? Apparently.

"I don't know. The only baby sitter we have is Lily's grandma and her husband is sick."

He shrugged.

"You have my number; call me if you get an opening. It would be nice to talk about High School."

She nodded.

"Sure."

* * *

><p>"I'm not going out with him" Quinn told Tina over the phone.<p>

"Why not?"

"I just got a baby and an immature idiot in my house. I have a business and stuff. I don't have time."

"When was the last time you had a boyfriend?" Tina asked, her voice calm.

"High School. So?"

"Maybe having a boyfriend isn't as stressful you think."

"Whatever. Isn't it weird that he is the doctor though?" she asked.

"Very" Tina agreed. "Quinn, Luke and I are going out. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah."

Quinn hung up the phone. Puck stood behind her, eating a banana.

"Woah" she said, jumping. "Cough or something so that I know you're there."

"Who is the doctor that you can't believe is Lily's?" he asked.

"Matt Rutherford, from High School" Quinn said.

"I don't know him."

"Of course you do. You were in football and Glee together" Quinn said, furrowing her brow.

Puck looked pissed.

"I don't know him. He asked you out?"

How long had he been listening to her conversation?

"Yeah."

"Why?"

Quinn sighed.

"I don't know. He said that he wanted to talk about High School or something."

"Oh."

"And that he used to have a crush on me."

Puck lifted his eyebrows.

"You said no, right?" he asked.

Quinn felt annoyed with him. She hated his attitude.

"Why do I have to say no?"

"We're not bringing new people into Lily's life. What if it doesn't work out?" he said.

"I'm not marrying him, Puck."

"Exactly. What if Lily gets to know him and you break up, she'll miss him."

"Good god" Quinn muttered.

"You said no, right?" he repeated.

"Yes" she said. "I said no."

"Good."

"Hey" Santana whispered in his ear. "I want to tell you something."

Her lips were blood red, her eyes dim.

"What?" he asked.

They were in her car, parked outside his house. He could see Quinn turning the lights off inside, room after room.

"I want to go on tour again."

"I thought we were supposed to write a new album."

Santana made a complaining sound and leaned against him.

"That's _boring_. I wanna play and sing and tour!"

"With the old songs?" he asked, raising one eyebrow.

He was a lot more sober than she was tonight.

"They love my songs" she said.

"They do" he agreed.

He tilted his head back against the car seat. They had played all day. His fingers hurt, they never used to hurt. Maybe he was a bit out of shape.

"I want to go to LA and Vegas and Dallas. Do you think they like me in Dallas?" Santana continued.

"I'm sure they do."

Maybe not the religious people, but people who liked boobs and a heck of a voice, they liked Santana Lopez. And that was almost everyone.

"Then let's tour" she whined.

Puck sighed. Sometimes when she was drunk she became very stubborn.

"Santana…" he began.

She pressed herself closer to him, kissing his cheek and his neck.

"It can be like last time" she whispered, her voice hoarse from singing all day. "We can play and drink and you can sleep in my bed. Every night."

Last time Puck didn't sleep in Santana's bed _every night_. He slept there _some_ nights, when she wasn't with Paul or Rick or someone else she found at a party.

"We are musicians" she whispered so close to his ear it tickled. "We _live _to tour."

He laughed and kissed her red mouth. She licked her lips.

"I'll let you open for me" she said. "It can be the start of your solo career."

Puck sighed. He bent down to unbutton her shirt.

"Let's not talk anymore" he whispered.

She giggled.

...

"Morning" Quinn said harshly.

She was trying to feed an obstinate Lily. Puck sat down on a chair, too hung-over to eat anything.

"Morning" he echoed.

She was pissed off at him, he could tell by the look on her face.

"What's the matter, Q?" he asked sheepishly.

"I don't know" she said scowling. "Yesterday I worked a full day, that's 8 to 5, Puck, not 10 to 12. I had Lily with me and she had a fever, which is super ironic since we were at the doctor's like two days ago. She cried and cried and I couldn't get anything done. Then I went home and tried to calm her down. When she didn't, I called you _17_ times, so that you could go the pharmacy and get her some medicine. Did you pick up? No. So I had to drive eight miles, with a crying baby, to pick up some lousy drug that didn't help. When I finally get her to sleep at 2 PM and I finally fall asleep myself, you come home and wake me up. So no, I don't know what's wrong, Puck."

She didn't look at him. Puck rubbed his eyes.

"My phone died" he said.

"If your phone dies, you charge it. Because I have to be able to reach you."

"I'm sorry, Q."

"I can't be the only one caring about her, Puck. It doesn't work like that."

"I care about her" he said.

"Then why did you come home a three in the morning? Why did you come home drunk _again? _Why didn't you call me and tell me you were going to be late?" she asked.

Puck sighed heavily. She wasn't going to forgive him today. She was too tired.

"I'm sorry" he muttered again.

She just shook her head.

"Maybe it's better if I do this alone" she whispered.

Quinn had been in bad mood all day. She was tired from not sleeping at all last night. She was pissed at Puck and stressed about work. When she came home, she wanted to take long bath and then sleep. But Puck wasn't home. She couldn't leave Lily alone so instead of sleeping, she watched cartoons and developed a headache.

"Sometimes I hate him" she whispered in Lily's ear.

Lily smiled. She forgave him. She loved him.

Quinn reached for the phone and dialed his number. She reached voicemail, but didn't leave a message. Was this how her life was going to be? Her, staying home with Lily while he slept with Santana and drank beer? No. She wouldn't stand for it. She was 28 and has just lost her two best friends. She needed to have some fun.

...

"Hi" he answered at the first signal. "You called."

"Hi Matt. I know it is last minute, but do you want to go out tonight?"

He laughed. It was 7 PM on a Wednesday.

"Sure" he said. "Now?"

"Yeah, I'm just going to shower and find a baby sitter."

"In an hour then?"

"Yeah."

"I'll pick you up."

...

If she had had more time, she would have looked better. All she had time for was dropping Lily off at Tina's, taking a quick shower, drying her hair and dressing in a blue dress. She was applying mascara as he knocked on the door.

"Hi" she whispered, suddenly shy.

"Hi" he said.

She couldn't decide if he looked better in scrubs or in a suit.

"Thanks for calling" he said, bending down to kiss her cheek.

"Thank you for agreeing."

"Oh Quinn" he said, smiling. "How could I ever say no to you?"

...

He brought her to a tiny Italian place not far from his medical practice. He ordered red wine and she took small sips of it to relax. She ordered lasagna, he the beef. It was a warm night. Warm, but dark.

"So, what made you change your mind?" Matt asked.

"About going out with you?"

"Yeah."

"I don't know. I decided I needed some fun."

"You do. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you, taking care of their child."

Quinn smiled and took another sip of wine. It was so good.

"Everything is hard" she answered.

He placed his hand on hers on the table. It made her giggle. This felt like dinners at Breadstix with Sam in High School. Only Sam turned out to be gay and Quinn was never interested in him. But Quinn hadn't dated like this since High School. Boys at NYU had been nice and she had befriended several, but she hadn't dated any of them.

"Tell me about you" she said. "What happened after you moved away?"

"Okay. I moved from Lima to New York after sophomore year. I quit football and dancing and all that, my new school didn't really focus on any of it. Instead I got into this really awesome science program, don't laugh it was cool" he said, smiling. "So I graduated and decided to be a doctor. It took a few years, but I finally did it."

"How about girls?" she asked, lifting an eyebrow.

"I never got over you" he joked.

"Seriously!"

"I had a very serious girlfriend in college. She was pre-med too. But then she moved to Stanford to continue and I stayed."

"And it ended?"

"Yeah. How about you? What happened to you after I moved away?"

"Well" Quinn said, smiling to herself. "I gave my baby away. Then I lost all the baby weight and acted like bitch for the next two years."

"I'm sure you were very nice" Matt said.

"I wasn't. But I lived. For college I went to NYU. I didn't know anyone in the city, then one day I ran into Rachel. She had moved here to pursue her Broadway career. I hated her in High School, but in New York, when we didn't know anyone else, we became like sisters. She moved in with me in my dorm room and slept on my floor for two years. Then Finn moved here and they got a place together."

"And you studied?"

"Literature and journalism. I own a publishing company."

"And here we are" Matt said, squeezing her hand.

"And here we are" she said.

He walked her to her door. She felt a bit fuzzy, but happy. He kissed her carefully on the lips.

"I wanted to that since I was fourteen" he said.

Quinn stood on tiptoe and kissed him again. She closed her eyes and smiled against his lips.

"Good night" she whispered, letting him go.

"I'll call you" he said, looking winded.

"Please do."

"Hi" she said as if it wasn't a big deal.

"Where's Lily?"

"At Tina's. I left a note."

Puck picks of the piece of paper that she left on the kitchen table.

"_I'm on a date, Lily's with T. I'll be back before midnight_" he read in a mocking tone.

The fact that she wore makeup and a pretty dress made him furious.

"I tried to call you" Quinn said, pulling her coat off.

"Once."

"Yeah, once. And you didn't pick up."

"I came home and found both of you gone."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Puck. It must have really hurt you."

Her tone was tired. She looked really pretty tonight. He hated her for that.

"It was the doctor?" he asked, trying to keep his voice calm.

"Yes. It was _Matt_" she said.

"I thought weren't going out with him."

"I changed my mind" she said shrugging.

"Why?"

"I like him, Puck."

"I thought we agreed it was better for Lily if you didn't…"

Quinn laughed at him.

"We didn't agree, Puck. You told me and I didn't agree."

She shook her head at him; he didn't feel guilty at all, just pissed.

"You spoiled it" she whispered. "I had the first good night in two months and you ruined it."

Without looking at him, she left. He stood looking after her for several minutes.

* * *

><p>He overheard her on the phone the next night. He, Matt the obnoxious pediatrician, was picking her up at six the next day. Puck wanted to vomit. Of course he remembered Matt. He had been a silent follower. And of course Puck had known that he had a crush on Quinn. After he had found out, he hadn't liked Matt anymore.<p>

"I'm going out tonight" he told Quinn.

"So I am" she said.

"Who's taking care of Lily?" he asked, challenging her.

He wanted her to cancel her date. If she did, he would cancel with that girl he met at the music store.

"I can bring her with me" Quinn shrugged. "Matt loves kid."

_Matt loves kids. _He was probably a pedophile.

"Quinn, I can't just leave my kid with him."

"Well, you won't. I'll be there and she already met him. He's her doctor, remember?"

Puck shook his head at her.

"Fine" he replied.

"Fine" she said.

* * *

><p>Puck deliberately ran late so that he could meet Matt. When he did, he felt ill. Matt had grown into those huge ears and looked mature now. He smiled confidently at Puck, his shyness gone forever.<p>

"Nice to meet you again, Puckerman."

Puck nodded.

"You too" he lied.

Quinn looked even prettier tonight. She wore a tight skirt and shiny blouse. Even Lily looked nice in a tiny dress. He bent down to kiss her cheek, she pulled at his hair. Well, at least she liked him,

"I guess we're off" Quinn said.

She nodded shortly at Puck before leaving. Puck watched them go. Matt put his arm around Quinn's shoulders. It hit Puck that they looked like a family.

...

Her name was Michelle and she was a 22 year old, aspiring singer with a huge rack. Even bigger than Santana's. She was from Dallas and spoke with southern drawl so thick Puck couldn't believe she had lived in NY for two years.

"Oh my god" she said. "This house is huge."

She giggled so that her boobs jiggled under her camisole.

"It is" Puck said.

He hadn't bothered taking her out. He just wanted to sleep with her anyway.

"So you play with Santana?" Michelle asked.

"Yep."

She wanted a chance to sing with her, Puck knew. Maybe she would try to bribe him with her body.

"Why is there a lot of girl stuff here?" she asked, picking up one of Quinn's shoes.

"It's my roommates" he replied.

She nodded. She probably didn't care if he had a girlfriend or even married. He didn't care if she was.

"How about I pour you some wine?" he asked.

"Sure" she giggled.

...

Puck woke up at eleven. Michelle slept soundly next to him. She looked younger now, was she even 22 or had she lied? Puck could hear Quinn making breakfast in the kitchen. He hadn't heard her coming home last night. But on the other hand, he had been quite busy.

"Hey Michelle" he said, shaking her.

She woke up.

"Again?" she asked, kissing his cheek.

"No, you have to leave."

"Why?"

She sat up in bed. Okay, he didn't care if she was 18 or 22. She was hot.

"My roommates up."

"So?"

Puck grinned. Yeah, so? Obviously he had no say in who Quinn dated, why should she care who he dated?

"Okay, again" he said.

Michelle giggled.

"I'll be quiet" she promised.

"Don't" he told her. "Be as loud as you want."

She pressed herself close to him and dragged him down on top of her.

"I'm a singer" she whispered. "I can be very loud."


	6. Chapter 6 It's like a fever

He could tell she was acting as if she didn't care when Puck and Michelle came downstairs. Michelle, only wearing one of Puck's shirts. Quinn didn't even look up, but Puck knew that she cared.

"Morning, Q" he said.

"Morning."

She still didn't look up. She focused her eyes on her plate.

"I'm hungry" Michelle whined.

"Let's get you something tasty then" Puck replied.

She giggled. He watched Quinn, he could her eyes roll against her plate. He smiled to himself.

...

"I'm sick of this" she exploded.

He had just waved Michelle off. He hadn't thought she would admit her anger this fast.

"What are you sick of, Q?"

"You are not acting like parent."

Oh, this again.

"Come on" he exhaled.

"No" she bit back. "I'm trying, Puck. I'm really trying, but you piss me off."

"Come on. I did the same thing that you did."

"No, you didn't. I came home before twelve, I put our kid to sleep and then went to bed. You didn't even bother to see if she came home, you were busy waking her up with your _business_ all night."

Puck felt himself blushing. Quinn had heard them last night. Even though it had been his plan, it was a bit embarrassing.

"Move out" Quinn said.

"What?"

"I'm sick of this. I want you to move out."

Puck felt panicky. She wasn't serious, was she?

"Come on, Quinn."

"Stop telling me to _come on_" she snapped.

She hadn't washed off her makeup properly last night. She had dark mascara under her eyes. She looked tired, worn out. He felt guilty.

"Look, I'll help more. I promise."

Quinn just shook her head.

"I gave you chances, Puck. I have no more energy for it now. Just take your stuff and move to your apartment. I'm sure you haven't let it out to someone."

He hadn't.

"She's ours" he said. "Mine and yours. The court decided that."

"I'm not taking her away from you. I just can't stand living with you. We'll make a schedule."

He realized that she wasn't changing her mind. Her eyes were stern.

"Quinn, I'm sorry."

"I'm going to work. Take your stuff and Lily. I'll pick her up tonight."

...

"She'll come around" Carole said.

"She won't."

He hadn't known who to talk to. He had no one who would understand. Finn was dead, Santana drunk and the guys wouldn't get it.

"She's just stressed out. You know how Quinn is, Puck. She tries to do too much and breaks down."

"It was different this time. She spoke like she hated me."

Carole sighed. Puck closed his eyes and hid his face in his hands. Crap. Crap.

"Give her some time" Carole said in a soothing voice.

"She doesn't need me. She has Matt."

"The doctor?"

"Yeah."

He was winy, he knew. Burt was ill, very ill. And he was here complaining about fighting with Quinn.

"Sorry, Carole" he whispered.

"For what?"

She smiled and stroked his cheek.

"You're the closest thing to a son I have" she said.

He smiled.

"Thanks."

* * *

><p>"You gave it your best effort" Matt said, taking her hand. "You two aren't used to living together; it's not surprising that it didn't work."<p>

Quinn nodded. She felt like crying.

"I let them down" she whispered. "Finn and Rachel, they wanted us to raise her together."

Matt put his arms around her. He smelled the hand sanitizer and Old Spice.

"I'm sure they would understand" he consoled her. "I'm sure that they want Lily to be safe and happy. And she is, isn't she?"

Quinn turned her head. Lily was playing on Matt's rug. She was crawling fast now, maybe she'd walk soon.

"Yeah" Quinn breathed. "She's happy."

"And you, don't you feel better now that you don't have to fight with him?" Matt asked, smiling.

She hesitated. No, she didn't feel better. She felt guilty and tired and ill.

"Sure" she lied, because it was easier.

"Great, how about I buy you dinner?" he asked.

Quinn swallowed. She wanted to be alone.

"No, thanks. I just need to go home and do laundry and sleep."

Matt nodded.

"Of course. How about this weekend?"

She nodded, got up and picked up Lily from the floor.

"Thanks for the talk" she said.

Matt kissed her cheek.

"Any time, sweetheart."

...

The house felt even bigger now that she was alone. She had left because she wanted to be alone, now she wanted company. She could call Matt , he would probably be happy to drop by, but she didn't want to see him. With him she had to be nice and smiley and pretty. She didn't feel like being that. She could call Tina, but she had a life on her own and didn't need to babysit her best friend. Quinn wished that she had a mother that she could call. A mother that would make tea and put on a movie and hug her while she wept. But Quinn didn't have a mother. Or father. Or any family.

"I just have you, pumpkin" she whispered against Lily's cheek.

Lily pulled on Quinn's hair.

"Noah" she said in her baby voice.

"What did you say?" Quinn asked, her pulse racing.

"Noah" Lily repeated, smiling widely.

"Oh dear lord."

Her first word. Her first word. Quinn couldn't think. She wanted to cry and laugh and dance around the room. Instead she picked Lily up and got into the car.

* * *

><p>Puck wasn't drunk; he had just had three beers and written two new songs. He had watched an old music documentary and taken a shower. Not having a kid left him with a lot of time. So he was just going out when the doorbell rang. He got up and yawned, but before he had gotten to the door it opened. And there was Quinn, cheeks red and eyes bright. In her arms where Lily, who was asleep.<p>

"Hi" he began.

"She spoke" Quinn gasped.

"What?" Puck felt confused.

"Lily. She said your name, she spoke."

Puck laughed right out loud. He took Lily from Quinn's arms and kissed her forehead.  
>"I wanted you to hear it, but she fell asleep" Quinn said, still gasping for breath.<p>

"She said my name?"

"Yeah."

Puck grinned, Quinn grinned back. She looked gorgeous, happy. She had driven to his place at 9 PM on a Monday. She had run up all those stairs so that she panted like a marathon-runner. He couldn't stop smiling at her. He put Lily down on the couch and grabbed Quinn's wrist. He pulled her close and kissed her lips. He wrapped his hands in her hair and felt her hands on his cheeks.

"I thought you were mad at me" he exhaled.

"I got over it" she replied.

...

"So" he said. "She said my name, first."

She snorted and kicked him under the covers. Her skin was smooth and dreamy. He leaned in and kissed her.

"Don't get use to it" she said.

"What? The kissing or the fact that our daughter said my name first?"

"Both" she teased.

He trapped her face between his hands and kissed her again. She didn't protest.

"Quinn is a hard name" she said.

"Very hard" he agreed.

"Noah is easy; it's just a bunch of vowels."

"Sure."

She kicked him again.

"You're just agreeing with me so that you can kiss me again."

"Is it working?"

She bit her lip and kissed his neck.

"It might."

"Hey, Q" he began. "I'm sorry about how I acted."

"I know" she replied, laying her head back on the pillow.

"I just wanted to make you jealous."

"Really?"

"Really."

She smiled.

"It worked."

"Always good to know" he smiled.

She rolled on top of him.

"Don't do it again" she whispered. "I don't like being jealous."

"I promise" he breathed.

Her kisses felt like medicine for his soul. Everything that hurt went away. All the sorrow and the pain of Finn dying seemed to drift out of his brain. She was everything, everywhere.

...

Lily began to cry at eight AM. Puck woke up with a start. Quinn lay with her head on his chest, breathing slowly. She was still out. He kissed her hair and gingerly got out of bed. Lily sat on the couch (had they forgotten her on the couch?) and screamed.

"Baby" he said, picking her up. "Calm down or you'll wake Quinny up."

She looked at him and began sucking on her fingers.

"That's more like it" he smiled.

He put her down on the kitchen table and opened the fridge. He had nothing that looked remotely like something a one-year old should eat. He had beer, nachos, ketchup, some leftover Pizza from the night when Finn had died and some more beer.

"I can't feed you this" he sighed. "Quinn will kill me and I _just _got back into her good books."

Lily frowned at him. She pouted and looked like she was going to start howling again.

"Fine" he said. "Let's go get some food then, darling."

* * *

><p>When Quinn woke up, the sun shone in her eyes. She sighed and moaned and tried to ignore it. She wanted to sleep on. She wanted to stay this happy and tired and sleepy in Puck's bed forever. Then she saw the clock on the nightstand. It was 12:03 PM. Shit. She was four hours late for work.<p>

"Why didn't you wake me?" she yelled.

She guessed that Puck was in the kitchen because she heard the faint sound of guitar playing.

"What?" he yelled back.

She sighed and got dressed. Then she went out into the kitchen. Puck sat on the couch with his guitar, writing songs. Lily sat on the floor, playing with a rubber duck that Puck must have found somewhere.

"Morning gorgeous" he said.

"I'm super late."

"I called you in sick."

"To who? I'm the boss."

"Tina. She was very understanding."

"What did you tell her that I had?"

"A slight cough."

Quinn rolled her eyes, but felt her body relax. She didn't have to go to work today.

"I made breakfast, but it's cold now."

"I don't care."

She sat down on couch and Puck brought her cold pancakes and stale bacon.

"You made bacon for me?" she asked.

"Anything for you, dear."

He kissed her forehead. She couldn't stop herself from smiling.

"Don't you have to work?" she asked.

"Nope. I live the rock star life. I just party and make bacon for my girl."


	7. Chapter 7 We could have had it all

"We have to talk" she said.

Matt raised his eyebrows, smiling.

"About what?"

Crap. This is so hard. Crap. She didn't want to hurt him.

"I can't keep seeing you" she whispered.

He looked confused.

"Why?"  
>"It's complicated" she began.<p>

"It's Puck?"

"Yes."

He nods.

"Well, who would have known?"

She shrugged.

"I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you."

"I know."

"I never thought this would happen."

"And you're in love with him?" Matt asked.

"Yes, I think I've always been."

Matt nodded. He was a nice guy, she had always known that. He didn't get mad or scream or anything, he just accepted it.

"I really am sorry" she said.

He nodded again and left. She looked after him. There went her dream, the doctor boyfriend. And she didn't even want it anymore.

* * *

><p>"How about a kiss?" Puck asked, leaning in.<p>

She sighed and kissed him. How many times had she kissed him today? A hundred? More? She never got sick of it. Never. Would she ever?

"So you're single now, miss Fabray?"

"I guess so."  
>"Well, so am I."<p>

"Good for you."

He kissed her nose and she giggled.

"I love you" he whispered close to her ear.

She smiled against his cheek. He hadn't shaved in a few days. It scraped against her lips. She loved it. She loved him.

"I love you too" she whispered back.

Because she did. And she had wanted to say it since she asked him the same thing, in the nursery ward in Hospital of Lima. She had loved him for so long.

"Good for you" he whispers softly.

"Good for me."

"No more drama?" he asked.

"No more drama."  
>She laughed and got up. Lily was asleep in her crib. It was almost night.<p>

"I feel so happy" she said. "You're not supposed to be happy when your best friend has died."

Puck got up too. He embraced her.

"I know."

"I feel guilty."

"Don't. I bet this was Rachel's plan all along."

"Dying so that we could get together?"

"Yep."

She laughed and kissed his cheek.

"Smart girl."

"Yeah."

…

Puck's phone rang the next morning at 8. It was Santana. He bit his lip. He wasn't going to play along with her games anymore. He had Quinn.

"Hey" he answered.

"I did it!" she shrieked.

"What?"

"The tour. I convinced them. We leave in three weeks, the tickets go on sale today!"

"What?"  
>He felt a ball of worry build up in his stomach.<p>

"A US tour, Puck. New York and LA and Chicago. Fans and boys and busses! We'll be out for six months!"

Her voice was high with excitement.

"Santana, I can't."

"Of course you can. You're going open for me, Puck!"

Shit. Open for her. That could be the start of his solo career. He smiled unwillingly.

"You pulled that off too?"

"Of course" she giggled. "Anything for you."

"Shit."

"I know!"

"I can't believe it" he whispered.

Santana screamed, he had to hold the phone far away from his ear.

"Let's celebrate tonight" she said and then hung up.

He hung up too. Shit. This was his dream. All he ever wanted was to play in front of a big crowd. All he ever wanted. Why did it feel so wrong?

"Who was it?" Quinn murmured from the bed.

She was taking the morning off from work. They were going to the zoo.

"Santana" he replied.

"What did she say?"

He hesitated.

"She got us a gig" he lied.

Well, it wasn't really a lie. More of a understatement.

"That's great. I'll come and see you play."

He nodded and put the phone down. Quinn bit her lip.

"Good morning."

"Good morning to you too."

She giggled and kissed him.

"How can life be this perfect?" she whispered.

"I don't know" he replied, because it wasn't.

He had to choose between his two dreams. That wasn't perfect at all.

* * *

><p>"I can't do this."<p>

Santana looked up. Her eyes were cloudy, he guessed that she had started to celebrate early.

"Do what?" she asked, pulling him down on the chair next to her.

"Go on tour. I _finally _got Quinn to say that she loved me. After all these years. And I have a kid now, I can't just leave."

Santana pouted.

"Come on" she begged. "It will change your life."

"How?"

"You'll get fans. And then a manager of your own. And then your own album. This is your shot" she rambled. "And speaking of shots!"

She ordered some tequila shots from the bar and then leaned in and kissed Puck's cheek.

"You deserve this" she whispered. "If Quinn really loves you, she'll understand."

He nodded, but he knew that she wouldn't. Never.

* * *

><p>"Is this how it feels to be in love?" Quinn asked.<p>

She played with her pen at her desk at work. Tina looked up from her stack of papers.

"If it isn't, I want whatever you're taking" she smiled.

Quinn laughed. Everything was so light. The air was easier to breathe. There wasn't a huge load on her shoulders anymore. She felt free.

"Lily will get a mom and a dad after all" she said.

"That's great" Tina smiled.

Quinn nodded. She picked her phone and checked her messages. Nothing. Jesus, she was acting like a love sick puppy. It wasn't like Puck was going to send her texts full of little hearts. There were grown up for god's sake. This wasn't high school.

"I have loved him for so long" she whispered.

"I know, Q."

"You know?"

Tina smiled.

"We all knew."

Quinn shook her head, smiling. It was a nice day. Maybe they could go to the park. Lily loved the swings.

"I'm afraid of being this happy" she said.

"Why?" Tina asked, tilting her head.

"It feels like the world will come crashing down."

"Honey, the world has already crashed. Rachel died. It can't get worse."

Quinn nodded. Maybe Tina was right.

"God, I get so pissed off at Luke when I see you this in love" Tina sighed.

"Why?"

"He's a pig and I don't feel like I'm floating on tiny, pink clouds, like you look like you're doing."

Quinn laughed. She grabbed Tina's hand over the desk.

* * *

><p>Quinn licked her ice cream as Lily sang to herself in the stroller. She had said "Noah" a few more times and some other random words. But no Quinn. Not like Quinn desperately needed to hear it, but anyway. It would have been nice.<p>

"I have to talk to you about something" Puck said.

She turned to him and smiled. He had ice cream on his lip, she kissed it away.

"What?" she asked, close to his face.

He kissed her and she giggled against his lips. He smelled so good and Lily was perfect and the day was warm.

"I forgot" he said, smiling. "You have that effect on me."

She took his hand. He squeezed hers tight.

"Stop" she giggled. "What was it?"

"I don't know" he said, dragging his words.

She stopped. He looked nervous. Was he going to say something serious? She felt her stomach grow tight.

"What?" she asked.

He shrugged.

"I just really love you."

She frowned.

"Cheesy" she said.

He laughed and pulled her closer. As he kissed her, she felt the coldness of dread disappear. Nothing was wrong. He loved her. He really, truly loved her. Things would work out if he just loved her.

* * *

><p>"I can't tell her" Puck sighed.<p>

Julian put his beer down on the counter.

"You haven't told her? We're leaving in two weeks!"

"I know. I just can't."

Julian exhaled.

"Well, man, sorry but you have to tell her. She'll notice when she wakes up and you're in LA."

"I know."

"She'll understand. She's known you since High School, she knows you. She knows that you live for music" Julian continued.

"She knows me, but I know that she wishes that I have changed" Puck murmured.

Shit.

"God, Puck. There's going to be 30 000 girls screaming your name. If Quinn doesn't get it, maybe she isn't worth it."

"Quinn's worth it."

"Then why are you leaving her?"

"I don't know."

* * *

><p>Quinn was at work when she got the call. It was from Brittany. Her voice was happy and bubbly and Quinn smiled at the sound of it.<p>

"Quinn!" Brittany exclaimed. "How are you?"

"I'm great! How are you?"

"Oh! I'm great too!"

Brittany always spoke in exclamation marks.

"Good to hear!"

"Actually, I wanted to get in touch with Puck, but I didn't have his number! You have it, right?"

"Yeah" Quinn replied. "Sure, I'll text to you."

"Thanks! I just wanted to congratulate him!"

"For what?"

"The tour! I got my ticket today, Pittsburgh the seventh!"

The dread again found itself in Quinn's stomach. What tour?

"What tour?"

"The US Tour! Santana's! Puck's opening for her! You didn't know? They have their first show next week!"

Quinn hung up the phone. She couldn't breathe.


	8. Ch 8 I regret nothing and everything

When Puck got back home, he stopped at the gate. There were boxes on the porch. Maybe ten boxes, just sitting there. He opened one and found his sheet music inside it. In the next one, he found his socks and underwear. Shit. _Shit._

"Quinn?" he called, opening the door.

She was packing another box. Very carefully, folding everything.

"Quinn?" he repeated.

She looked up. Her eyes were red, her face hard.

"Leave" she said, her voice low. "Get out."

"Quinn, come on."

"No, get out. Take your things and leave."

He tried to grab her, to calm her down, but she backed away.

"I've done you a favor, it's all packed now. All you have to do is store it while you're gone."

"Quinn…"

"No, just go. Please."

She turned away from him and walked into the kitchen. He followed.

"Quinn, I can explain!"

"Really?"

"Yes. I didn't want to hurt you."

"But you still agreed to go" she whispered.

She looked like the old Quinn again, the one who had just given her kid away.

"It's my dream."

She snorted.

"Good for you."

"Look, Quinn. Come with me!"

He took her hand, she snatched it away.

"Yes, I can just quit my job and rent out the house and bring a one-year old on tour. Yes, Puck. That makes sense."

"We could make it work."

"No."

"Quinn, please. I'm sorry. It's just six months."

She snorted again.

"Just six months? Great. So I'm supposed to take care of Lily and pine for you for six months while you sleep around and get drunk? No."

"I won't sleep around. I love you."

She looked away.

"If you loved me, you would have considered me in all this" she whispered.

"Quinn, I just want to tour. This can be start of my career. I won't drink, I won't cheat."

Quinn shook her head. He could see that she had closed off now, he couldn't get to her.

"I don't care what you do. We're over. For good."

* * *

><p>"Bye, darling" Puck whispered in Lily's ear.<p>

She was crying. Quinn stood a hundred feet away, looking at her shoes.

"I'll miss you so, so much" he whispered.

She cried harder. She kicked and screamed.

"Take care of Quinn" he whispered. "She'll need it."

And he kissed her forehead one more time before putting her down in the stroller again. He waved at Quinn, she looked away. He swallowed, turned his back and left.

* * *

><p>"How did it go?" Julian asked, as Puck climbed into the tour bus.<p>

"Crap."

"Well then, Puckerman is single!"

Had he ever not been? Santana sat down next to him. She had a bottle of vodka in her hand. He took it from her and drank until he couldn't swallow more.

"I need to get wasted if I'm going to make it" he muttered.

Santana climbed into his lap and kissed his mouth.

"She doesn't understand you like I do" she whispered.

Puck shook his head. Quinn understood him, she just expected more of him. Santana wanted him to be a semi-famous douche bag for the rest of his life.

"Four hours to Boston!" Santana screamed. "First show!"

She kissed him again and he decided not to bother. Quinn had dumped him. He was hurting. He needed a distraction.

"This is our dream" she whispered in his ear. "This has been our dream since we were kids. Remember?"

He nodded.

"Yeah" he breathed

She smiled. She was extremely hot.

"Nothing has changed" she said. "There is still me and you. Together."

He nodded again.

"And you'll be star" she whispered close to his ear.

"Just like you."

"Just like in our dreams."

* * *

><p>Puck didn't feel nervous as he stepped out on the stage. Maybe because he was hammered. Maybe because this was his dream. Maybe because he felt numb. He played a chord. Here he was, 30 000 people were in the audience. This was everything.<p>

"Hi" he said in the microphone.

His voice boomed in the arena. It made him smile.

"I wrote this song to the girl you all came here to see. I hope you like it."

The crowd cheered and Puck began to play. He had played this song a thousand times, but it felt different this time. Here were 30 000 people, swaying and clapping along. To his song. That he wrote. It was worth it. Nothing compared to this. Nothing compared to standing drunk on stage, singing about your best friend/hook-up. Nothing. But he really wished that Quinn would be there to see him.

* * *

><p>"You were amazing" Santana purred in his ear.<p>

"You too."

"I feel alive!" she shrieked.

He laughed at her and pulled her back into bed with him. It was four o'clock in the morning. They had just left the backstage party. Santana bent down and kissed him. He was lucky. Men all over the world would like to kiss Santana like this. And he got to.

"Thanks for getting me the spot" he whispered against her skin.

She smelled like cigarettes and sweat.

"Well, you have to repay me" she giggled.

"How?"

"Oh, I can think of a few ways."

He kissed her neck, just as he had a thousand times before. He knew her so well. He knew every lump and bump of her body. He knew every thought she had before she told him about it. They had been screwing around for almost 15 years now. Half of his life.

"It would be so much easier if I could love you" he whispered, drunkenly.

She froze, but then relaxed. She stopped kissing him and lay down flat next to him.

"I know" she whispered back.

She sounded almost sober.

"I guess you can never have it all."

"Never" she exhaled.

She leaned across him and took the pack of cigarettes from the nightstand. She lit one and handed it to him. He shook his head. She put it out against the wall.

"This isn't so bad though" she continued. "We're rock stars. You'll have record deal within two weeks."

"No, it's not bad at all."

She smiled and kissed his cheek.

"Then why do we feel so fucking crappy?" she asked.

He shrugged. She moved closer, putting her head on his chest. He kissed her hair.

"Maybe it'll feel better tomorrow" she murmured.

"Maybe."

* * *

><p>"How do you feel?" Carole asked.<p>

Quinn looked away. She wasn't going to complain. Burt was had gotten sicker during the night. Carole didn't need to hear Quinn complain about Puck.

"How do _you _feel?"

Carole smiled.

"Terrible."

They sat in the hospital waiting room. Carole had told Quinn to leave about a hundred times, but she wouldn't. Carole didn't have anyone else.

"Is Kurt coming home?" Quinn asked.

"Yes, he'll be here on Friday."

That meant it was really bad. Really, _really _bad. If Kurt was to leave his little gay paradise, Burt was dying. Soon.

"What's the time?" Carole asked.

Quinn checked her watch.

"4 AM."

"You need to go home."

"I want to stay" Quinn replied, placing her hand on top of Carole's on the armrest.

"She had their first concert today."

"Who?"

"Santana. I saw the posters; I didn't know that Puck was opening for her."

Quinn closed her eyes. No, she wasn't being a burden, not tonight.

"Yeah."

"He must have been excited."

Quinn nodded.

"Yeah, he was."

"Have you spoken to him?" Carole asked.

"Nope."

"Are you two fighting?"

Quinn cleared her throat.

"How about some coffee?"

Carole tilted her head.

"I'd love some."

* * *

><p>Burt died at 12 PM that day. His heart couldn't take it anymore. Carole broke down by his bedside; Quinn patted her hair for three hours. She cried silently so that Carole wouldn't hear. She had never been close to Burt. But she had known him for half her life. But he had always been kind to her. But she knew death and sorrow now. And she knew that Carole was in pain. So much pain.<p>

"Let's go home" Quinn whispered.

Carole nodded.

"Okay."

They held hands as they exited the hospital. Quinn swallowed hard, tried to focus, but when she started the car her head went blank. She didn't know the way home. She couldn't think.

"Take a left" Carole whispered.

Quinn nodded. Yes, left.

"I'm all alone" Carole exhaled.

"No, you're not."

"My family's gone. My son is dead, my husband is dead."

"You have me and Kurt and Lily."

Tears burned in Quinn's throat. Because she felt the same way. She didn't have a family either.

"I'll take care of the funeral" she whispered.

"Thank you."

She nodded and turned the radio on. Santana's hit was on. Quinn turned it off.

* * *

><p>Quinn buried her face in Lily's hair and cried. The smell of her made everything less real, less painful.<p>

"I can't handle more of this" she whispered.

She hadn't slept in 24 hours and now Lily wanted to play.

"I'm tired, darling" she whispered.

Lily frowned. Quinn dried her tears and closed her eyes. She needed someone. No, she needed Puck. She needed Puck to hold her and dry her tears and watch Lily while she slept. But he had chosen to leave. He wasn't an option anymore.

"Let's read a book" she said.

"Noah" Lily replied.

"He's not here, honey."

"_Noah."_

"I know you miss him, but he's not here."

Lily scrunched up face. It turned red.

"NOAH!"

Quinn broke down again. She was just too tired for this.

* * *

><p>"So, this is your first real tour" the reporter said.<p>

Puck didn't know if he was supposed to answer or if she was just stating a fact.

"Yeah" he said, uncertainly.

"And Santana chose you to open for her."

Again, no question.

"Yeah."

The woman, who was in her fifties, peered at him over her glasses.

"Why?"

This was a question, but he didn't know to what.

"Why what?"

"Why did she pick you?"

He shrugged.

"I don't know. I've played in her band for five years, we've known each other since we were kids."

"You were High School friends" the reporter said.

"Yeah. We hung out together. She was best friends with…"

His voice trailed away. He didn't want the world to know about Quinn and Lily. At least not yet.

"With?" the reporter asked.

"With people in my gang" he hurried to say.

"And now, are you a couple?"

"No" he said.

"A maid here at the hotel told me that you two ordered room service at 3 AM, champagne and strawberries."

"So?"

"And that she didn't leave your room."

Puck sighed deeply. He hated journalists, he really did. This was his first interview and he already hated journalists.

"She lost the key to her room."

He could see that the reporter didn't believe him, but he was too hung over to care. He just wanted to get on the bus, sleep and then drink again tonight.

"And next stop is DC."

"Are you asking me?" he said, feeling annoyed.

She blinked.

"What?"

"You're just stating facts."

"It was a question."

"Fine. Yes, next stop is DC. Please don't come and interview me afterwards."

* * *

><p>The next night he spent with a young girl. She had pretty blonde hair and pretty green eyes. He didn't catch her name, but she giggled a lot when he touched her. He made up a story in his head. Her name was Julie, she worked a receptionist in the White House and had secret crush on Obama. But still, he couldn't go through with anything. He fell asleep in bed while she went to the bathroom. It was a win-win really. She could tell her co-workers how she slept with a future rock star (and maybe make Barrack jealous), and he could sleep it off. All of it. The hurt and the alcohol and the endorphins. At least until his phone beeped. It was a text from Tina. He felt his pulse go up, his heart beat faster. Maybe this was good news. And he read it. <strong>Burt's dead. Thought you ought to know. <strong>


	9. Chapter 9 Nothing happened

The next night he spent with a young girl. She had pretty blonde hair and pretty green eyes. He didn't catch her name, but she giggled a lot when he touched her. He made up a story in his head. Her name was Julie, she worked a receptionist in the White House and had secret crush on Obama. But still, he couldn't go through with anything. He fell asleep in bed while she went to the bathroom. It was a win-win really. She could tell her co-workers how she slept with a future rock star (and maybe make Barrack jealous), and he could sleep it off. All of it. The hurt and the alcohol and the endorphins. At least until his phone beeped. It was a text from Tina. He felt his pulse go up, his heart beat faster. Maybe this was good news. And he read it. **Burt's dead. Thought you ought to know. **

* * *

><p>She saw his name on the caller ID. Again. He had already called five times. But she was tired, too tired to deal with any of this shit. He was probably drunk. They had played in DC last night, she had read the reviews. They were really good. Really good. If the other shows weren't sold out yet, they would soon. She pressed IGNORE on her phone for the fifth time that morning. Lily ate her cereal in silence. Everything was silent, that's why her phone's ringtone seemed so loud. She turned her phone off. This house was too big for only two people, well, one person and a baby. It didn't make sense to keep it. It was expensive and the insurance was crazy. Maybe she could sell it and buy a nice place, a small place. Maybe. Maybe.<p>

* * *

><p>Kurt was back now. He had grown a tiny beard and gained 20 pounds. But he smelled the same and his hug felt just the same.<p>

"I'm so sorry" she whispered.

"Me too."

It's Friday. They're burying Burt on Wednesday. Kurt's staying with Carole until then. Quinn can't help but feel relieved. She might be selfish, but it's hard to take care of someone who is just as alone as she is.

"Where's Puck? Dad said you were together."

"We're not."

"No?"

"He's on tour."

"Oh."

She could see the comprehension in Kurt's face but ignore it. She didn't want to talk about it. They had bigger sorrows.

"Thank you for arranging the funeral" he said.

"It's okay" she smiled. "I'm getting used to it."

He nodded. She wanted to cry. People had to stop dying around her.

* * *

><p>"Carole, I'm so sorry."<p>

Puck sat in the bathroom of the bus. He needed privacy for this call and the guys were playing some drinking game.

"I know, dear."

"How are you?" he asked.

"Not great."

He caught the reflection of himself in the mirror. He looked like hell. He had been drunk or hung-over constantly for over a week. His eyes were red, his skin gloomy.

"I'm sorry. I wish I could be there" he said.

"I wish you could too. If not for me, then for Quinn" Carole sighed.

"Quinn hates me."

"No, she doesn't hate you. She just hated what you did."

"So you think it was the wrong choice?" he asked. "Leaving like this?"  
>"I don't know, Puck."<p>

He sighed.

"I'm sorry. I'm so selfish. I shouldn't be burdening you with this."

"It's alright. It's a good distraction."

He laughed.

"Where are you on Wednesday?" Carole asked.

"Chicago."

"The funeral's then, if you have the time."

He really didn't.

"Sure" he said. "I'll find a way to come."

* * *

><p>"I need Wednesday off" Puck told the tour manager Tom.<p>

Tom sighed.

"Why? Some girl you want to see?"

"No, my dead best friend's dad just died."

Rick and Paul and Julian stopped chugging vodka. They didn't know about Finn and Rachel. They didn't know anything.

"We're in Chicago then" Tom said.

"I know. But it's important."

"Tom, come on. It's okay. The band can open for me, it's just one night" Santana said lazily.

Tom shook his head.

"Fine. But you will be in Seattle on Friday. And you'll pay your own plane fare."

Puck nodded.

"Thanks."

Puck and Santana exchanged a look. She blinked. He smiled at her.

"You can repay me later" she drawled, pursing her lips.

But he knew that she didn't mean it.

* * *

><p>It was raining. Like really, really raining. Quinn huddled under an umbrella with Lily in her stroller. The ground was muddy, the sky gray. The weather couldn't be more appropriate for the occasion. The funeral wasn't big, but they were at least 30 people there. Tina and her boyfriend Luke stood next Quinn. Carole was weeping, Kurt holding her hand. The minister spoke about <em>ashes to ashes <em>and Quinn couldn't listen. If she did, she'd break down too. And she didn't have the energy for another break down. The casket was lowered. She tossed a red rose into the hole. It was over. Just like that.

"Hey."

She turned. There he was. He was wearing his only black suit and no umbrella. His hair was wet, his clothes soaking.

"Hey" she replied.

He looked ill. No, not ill. Hung-over. He looked like the rock star he has always dreamed of.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"No" she replied.

"I'm sorry."

She turned away. She couldn't deal right now.

"Quinn, look. I'm sorry."

"You look really sorry" she snapped.

It was raining. It was Burt's funeral. Finn and Rachel were dead. She had no one. She just couldn't take this.

"Can we please talk?" he asked.

Quinn met Tina's eyes, then looked down on Lily, sleeping in her stroller.

"No."

"Why not?"

"I just can't."

He looked gorgeous despite all the booze. He hadn't shaved and she found herself wondering how it felt so touch his cheek. And this eyes. His eyes, they had always been the hardest to avoid. She loved his eyes. The eyes that Beth had inherited from him. Their daughter.

"You can take Lily for the day" she said.

"Really?" he asked.

"Yeah. I need some sleep."

He took hold of the handles to the stroller.

"Thanks" he said, quietly.

She nodded.

"Sure" she whispered back. "Lily's still yours, even if I'm…"

Her voice trailed away. _Even if I'm not yours._

"Right" he said and she could see the words she hadn't said written on his face.

"I'll bring her back tonight" he said.

She nodded.

"Okay."

* * *

><p>"I didn't know <em>he<em> was coming" Luke said, turning on the radio.

Quinn pressed her forehead against the car window and closed her eyes.

"Neither did I" she said.

The rain pelted down with force. Quinn opened her eyes to watch it. Tina was holding Luke's hand. That was how it was supposed to be, when someone dies, you hold on the one you love. The problem was that Quinn didn't have anyone.

"This is the worst year of my life" she whispered to herself.

The radio was too loud for the others to hear.

"This is the worst year in my life" she continued whispering to the rain. "And that means something. I was the pregnant cheerleader for nine months. That was bad. But this, this is worse."

"What are you whispering about?" Tina asked.

Quinn smiled.

"Nothing."

* * *

><p>Puck knocked at her door just past eight. Not too late, at all. She couldn't get mad.<p>

"Hey" he said when she opened.

She was wearing a robe, her hair up and wet. She looked exhausted.

"Hey" she replied, avoiding his eyes.

"Thanks for letting me have her."

"Of course. It was nice, I got to take a bath" she said, almost smiling.

He smiled. She seemed calmer now, Maybe they could talk.

"Should I carry her inside?" he asked, picking Lily from the stroller.

Quinn hesitated, but nodded.

"Sure, thanks."

He passed Quinn and entered the house. He'd been gone a month (or, was it more?), but the house had changed. It looked empty and too clean.

"Just put her on the couch" Quinn said. "She can sleep there."

Puck did as he was told. Lily slept soundly.

"Thanks" Quinn said.

Did she want him to leave?

"Quinn…" he began.

"So, what's the next stop? Chicago?"

"No" he said. "Chicago's tonight."

"Oh, you must be sad you missed it" she snapped.

He grabbed her wrists, forcing her to stay, to look at him.

"I'm sorry" he said.

"Okay" she said, dryly.

"I love you."

"Okay."

He leaned in and kissed her. And it wasn't like kissing Santana. And not like kissing some groupie. It was wonderful. It was Quinn. The love of his life.

"Stop" she panted.

"Why?" he asked.

He kissed her again and this time she didn't pull away. She wrapped herself around him, draping her smell all of him. He carried her upstairs, kissing every inch of her body, tearing the robe off.

"Quinn, I'm sorry" he whispered against her neck.

She didn't reply, she just pressed herself closer to him.

* * *

><p>"You'll miss your flight."<p>

He opened his eyes. The sun was shining in his eyes. Quinn stood in the door way, fully dressed in work clothes.

"What?" he croaked.

Her face was hard, her posture defensive. No, she hadn't forgiven him. No, not even close.

"Whatever. I'm leaving now and taking Lily to day care. Lock up after you leave."

She turned.

"Quinn!" he shouted. "Wait!"

She came back in, crossing her arms.

"What?"

"What about last night?"

"It didn't happen" she snapped.

"It did."

"No."

"Why not?"

"You're leaving again."

He heard her running down the stairs and the door slam. Damn.


	10. Chapter 10 White Blank Page

Months passed. Summer turned into fall. The leaves turned red. Quinn turned indifferent. She brought Lily into the doctor's when her fever was running high and met Matt. He asked her out again – no hard feelings there. They ended up making out in his car. Quinn liked him. He was secure and laughed at her jokes. The house seemed less empty when he was there so after only two months, she asked him to move in. He wasn't hard to convince. And the tour still went on. Quinn tried not to care, but she read every review online. Seattle and Dallas and LA, always good reviews. And Puck had got a record deal. Good for him. He was living his dream. And she was living hers.

* * *

><p>New Years Eve came. Quinn and Matt decided to celebrate it with Carole, inviting Tina, Luke and some of their friends. It was low-key and grown up. Quinn sipped her wine, Matt holding his arm around her.<p>

"I love New Years" he said, smiling.

"Why?" she asked.

"New starts! New hopes!" he said.

She smiled.

"Whatever."  
>"No, I'm serious. You had a bad year, Quinn. But now it's a new one. New starts. New hope."<p>

She smiled again. If only it was that easy. He kissed her on her cheek, it was all he ever did in public. He was discreet and he was never too drunk or embarrassed her. Her mother would love him.

"Nothing ever goes away" she said.

"No" he agreed. "But it won't hurt as much."

She nodded. Maybe he was right. He was a doctor after all, he would know about wounds.

"All I know" he continued. "is that I love you, Quinn. And I love Lily. And I think we could build something really good from that."

She took his hand, it was sturdy, something to hold on to.

"I love you too" she whispered

And just like that, it was a new year.

* * *

><p>Puck spent New Year's Eve at a big party in LA. The music was loud and the drinks free and the girls blonde. He had arrived with the band, but now he couldn't find any of them. He just strolled around in the huge house, drinking drink after drink. Girls smiled at him, but he didn't like the look of them. They looked the gold digging whores and he wasn't drunk enough to not be bothered by that. Instead he picked up his phone and dialed Quinn's number. He didn't know why. He hadn't spoken to her since that morning that she had thrown him out. Nothing. Lily could be dead for all that he knew.<p>

"Hello" he heard someone answer.

It wasn't Quinn. He recognized the voice, but couldn't place it.

"Hello?" the man repeated.

Puck cleared his throat, trying to appear sober.  
>"Hi, I'm calling for Quinn" he said.<p>

"She's asleep" the man said. "It's two in the morning."

Annoyance dripped from every word.

"I know, but I just wanted to wish her a happy new year" Puck said feebly.

"I'll pass it along" the man said huffily. "Who is this?"

Why was this guy answering Quinn's phone while she slept? Puck closed his eyes for a second.

"You're Matt, right?" he asked.

"Yeah" the man answered. "But who are you?"

"You two got back together then?"

"Who is this?"

Quinn had probably deleted his number from his phone.

"Do you sleep over often or is this a new years- treat?" Puck asked.

"I'm sorry, what are you talking about? I live here. Who are you?"

And then Puck got it. They hadn't just gotten back together. They lived together. In Finn and Rachel's house. Together.

"I'm no one" he said.

And he hung up. He spent the rest of the night in bed with a blonde, aspiring actress called Cindy. The next day, he puked for six hours.

* * *

><p>"Good morning, Beautiful" Matt whispered in her ear.<p>

Quinn opened her eyes. It was the first of January and Matt had made her breakfast in bed.

"Oh, you didn't have to" she smiled, kissing his cheek.

"Sure, I did."

She sat up, taking a sip of juice.

"You got a call last night" Matt began. "I answered it."

"Oh" Quinn said, focusing on the bacon on her plate.

"I think it was Puck calling."

She dropped the piece of meat onto the plate again.

"Oh" she repeated with forced indifference.

"He sounded drunk."

"Not a big surprise."

"He wanted to wish you a Happy New Year."

Quinn raised her eyebrows, picking up the bacon again. Matt had slightly over-cooked it.

"I sort of told him I live here. I hope that's okay."

Quinn swallowed.

"Of course it is" she said, beaming. "You do live here."

"He sounded upset."

She shrugged, smiling at Matt.

"He was probably just really, really drunk."

Matt nodded.

"Yeah. Probably."

* * *

><p>"Their last concert is tonight" Carole said. "In New York."<p>

Quinn looked away, keeping an eye on Lily who was sprinting around. Of course she knew that Puck's last concert was tonight.

"I think you should go" Carole continued.

"No."

"Quinn…"

"I just don't want to."

Carole took her hand.

"Quinn. You can't hate him forever."

"I don't hate him."

"I know you don't, but you can't be mad at him forever either."

Quinn smiled sadly.

"Why not?"

"Because it's silly!"

Quinn raised her eyebrows and frowned.

"It's silly because both of us have lost so many people, Quinn. And we would do anything to have them back. We should take care of those we have" Carole hurried to say.

Quinn exhaled. She felt herself getting angry. So this was all her fault?

"So you think he did the right thing? Just leaving me and Lily to go off and be rock star."

"No, it was foolish. But he knows that and he regrets it. I know, I hear it in his voice every time I speak to him" Carole said soothing.

"I can't just forgive him."

"Why not?"

Quinn looked away again. Lily was singing softly to herself.

"Because he broke my heart."

It was as easy as that.

"I'm not saying that you have to get back together, I know that you have Matt. But you share a kid, actually two kids, you have to get along. Lily is the one getting hurt if you resent him forever."

Quinn sighed. Lily was her soft spot.

"It's sold out anyway" she said. "The concert, I mean."

"Luckily, I have two tickets" Carole smiled. "Why don't you bring Tina?"

Quinn shook her head.

"No, I'm bringing Matt."

Carole sighed.

"Fine, you do that. But don't shove him in Puck's face, okay? Be nice."

Quinn smiled.

"I'm always nice."

* * *

><p>It was the last concert, and then Puck could go home, not the hotel, <em>home. <em>He could sleep late and eat pizza and be alone. He longed to be alone. That was he thought about as he entered the stage. This was a small venue, maybe 200 people. Santana wanted to close small, for whatever reason. Maybe because her voice was getting more hoarse for each day.

"Hi!" he said into the microphone.

People screamed and applauded and he took a good look around. He was looking for Carole, she had asked for two tickets at the far left. But he couldn't see her.

"This is our last show" he continued. "And I hope, our best!"

The crowd cheered again. And that was when he saw her, sitting on Carole's seats. Quinn. She had her arms crossed and a guy had his arms around her. Matt. He was here too.

"You know" Puck went on. "I once made a promise with my band mates to never do covers. Ever. It's like a death sin to us."

The crowd applauded, Puck smiled.

"But I'm going the break the vow now, because there is this song I really want to sing to someone. I know it's one of her favorites. Have any of you ever heard of _Mumford and Sons_?"

He saw Quinn hide her face in her hands. He just smiled. If she wasn't going to answer his phone calls, what was he going to do?

"So if Paul would be nice enough to back me up, we can begin."

Paul came out, looking confused. Puck whispered the song title in his ear and strummed a chord.

"This one is called White Blank Page."

_Can you lie next to her and give her your heart, your heart__ as well as your body? And can you lie next to her and confess your love, your love?  
><em>Puck didn't stop looking at her. She still had her head in her hands but Matt had removed his arm. Puck couldn't see his face, but his body posture screamed anger.

_You did not think when you sent me to the brink, the brink__  
>You desired my attention but denied my affections, affections<br>But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart.  
><em>He thought of the times they had listened to this song, in his car, when she pregnant. She had sung along in her sweet voice and replayed it over and over. He had learned to play it, just for her. It was one of those songs he couldn't listen to anymore, because it hurt too much.

_But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart._

"Thank you" he said into his microphone and left the stage.

He was done with this tour.

* * *

><p>He waited for her outside. They came together, huddled against the cold.<p>

"Hey" he said.

"I can't believe you did that" she spat at him.

"You love that song" he protested.

She brushed passed him. Matt just stood there.

"That wasn't cool, dude" he said.

Puck snorted.

"_Dude?_ Really?"

"She doesn't want you."

"She does."

"No, please back off."

"Why should I?"

"Because I'm asking her to marry me."

Puck snorted again.

"That's your reason?"

"Fine" Matt said. "If you love her, let her be happy. She's happy with me."

And then he left too.

* * *

><p>"Hey, Lil" he whispered against the warmth of Lily's hair.<p>

He hadn't seen her in four months. She had grown so much. He hadn't realized how much he had missed her until he held her in his arms. His daughter. His kid.

"You can have her all weekend too" Quinn said.

"Yeah, you and Matt are going on some trip, I heard."

"Yeah."

He looked up at her. Her arms her crossed again, her lips pursed.

"He's going to ask you to marry him" he blurted out.

"What?"

"He told me."

"Shut up."

She turned to go inside. It was freezing outside.

"Can you tell him to shut up?" he asked.

She snorted.

"What?"

"Can you be mad at him?"

"I have nothing to be mad about" she snapped.

"I've seen you with boys, Quinn. You play the part of the perfect girlfriend in front of them. You never complain and never cry and always look stunning. And then, your surface crack because you can't act forever and then, it ends."

"Shut up" she croaked.

He could see in face that she was pissed at him. That she wanted to smack this face.

"You know it's true" he said.

"No, it's not."

"Does he even know you, Quinn?" Puck asked. "Does he know how you lock yourself in the bathroom to cry because you hate feeling vulnerable? Does he know that you can't sleep at night unless all your shoes at neat in order? Does he know you can go from sweet to angry in a second?"

She looked away from him. Her hair was blowing in the wind, shielding her face.

"Love isn't about that" she whispered.

"Yes, it is. Love is knowing all those things and loving you despite all that."

"What do know about love, Puck?" she asked, shaking her head.

"A lot" he said. "Considering that I have loved you for 12 years."

"You haven't. If you loved you wouldn't have left me."

He stepped closer to her, she backed away.

"I'm sorry. I made a mistake, but it doesn't mean that I don't love you."

She shook her head. He could see that she was on the verge of tears.

"Can't I just have one day?" he asked quietly. "Before you go to Connecticut with Matt and get engaged?"

"No."

"Please."

"No."

She turned and began to walk back to the house.

"12 years, Q" he shouted after her. "Don't a deserve one day?"

She hesitated on the porch.

"Fine. One day."

…


	11. Chapter 11 Happily Ever After

_This is bad idea. This is bad idea. This is a bad idea. _Those five words echoed in Quinn's mind as she walked to meet Puck. It was below freezing and they were taking a walk. That was a terrible idea itself. Almost as bad as meeting him altogether. Almost as bad as lying to Matt about it. _This is bad idea. _

"Hey!" he called.

Puck came up behind her, pushing the stroller. Quinn gazed down at Lily, she was wrapped tight under a blanket, wearing her overall, but still it, it was very cold for a 1, 5 year old.

"Hey" she replied.

"It's chilly" he said, happily.

His cheek were pink already, he wasn't wearing a hat.

"It's cold" she corrected him.

He just smiled. They began to walk. The park was empty. Every sane person was inside, holding a hot cup of coffee, reading The New Yorker.

"Lily can talk" Puck said. "She said my name like ten times."

Quinn nodded.

"Yeah. But I'm Uinn."

Puck laughed. She couldn't help smiling too.

"How was the tour?" she asked politely.

"It was okay. Just like the other ones. In the beginning, it's great, but in the end, you want to kill everyone. Even yourself."

"You got a record deal, though. I read it somewhere."

"Yeah" he replied.

She let it drop, she didn't really want to talk about it either.

"How about we go to my place?" Puck asked. "I'm freezing my ass off."

Quinn hesitated. The park was neutral ground, his apartment wouldn't be. But she was cold too.

"Fine."

...

He made hot chocolate and found some blankets. She wrapped herself tightly on the couch, blowing on her steaming cup.

"This is nice" he said, sitting down next to her.

"You don't honestly think that I will forgive you because you made me hot chocolate?" she asked, her tone hard, but her smile friendly.

He laughed.

"A guy could hope."

She shook her head, leaning back against the cushions.

"What will make you forgive me?" Puck asked.

"I don't know."

He nodded slowly. She could the disappointment in his eyes.

"Before you left" she began slowly. "It felt like I had a family. For the first time in forever. I was safe and happy and I had people who loved me. And you just left, just like my mom did, just like my dad did. And I was alone, again."

"Q…"

"That's why I have a hard time just forgiving you" she whispered.

She met his gaze. It was open and regretful and she could tell that he was beating himself up.

"And that's where Matt fits in?" Puck asked. "He will love you and give a family?"

"Yes."

"Even if you don't love him?"

"I do love him."

He shook his head, but didn't comment. Instead he took her hands and for some reason she didn't snatch them back. He was warm, she was ice cold.

"I'm not asking you leave him, but please, forgive me."

She licked her lips, exhaling slowly.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah."

...

"I should go" she said, standing up.

It was dark outside, snow was falling, it was a long walk home.

"Stay" Puck begged.

"I can't."

He stood up and taking hold of her shoulders.

"Please, stay."

She examined his face. He had grown up since High School. His cheekbones were sharper, his lips fuller. He had shaved off that horrible Mohawk and let his hair grow just a few inches. But even if he had changed, she could still the boy in his face. The boy had risked everything to raise a baby with her. Who had held her hand when she had cried. Who had bought her presents for his allowance instead of beer. Who had loved her.

"Come here" she said softly.

He stepped closer. She stood on tip-toe and kissed his mouth. He was absolutely still, holding his breath.

"I wish things were different" she whispered.

"Me too" he exhaled.

"I'm going to say yes, if he asks to marry me."

He nodded as if he hadn't expected anything else.

"But I love you" she whispered. "Always have, always will."

"Just not enough?" he asked.

She smiled, shaking her head. No, that wasn't it. If she hadn't loved him enough, she wouldn't have to be terrified that he would leave again. If she didn't love him enough, she wouldn't care.

"No, I love you too much."

* * *

><p>"You can't love someone too much" Puck muttered. "It's impossible."<p>

Lily looked at him and smiled. He picked her up and kissed her dark head.

"That's Quinn for you" Santana sighed, taking a sip of coffee.

He shrugged.

"I can't believe that she's going to marry that douche because _she loves me too much_."

"You can't believe that?" Santana smiled. "Think about High School. She dated Finn, even though she loved you. Why? Because Finn is nice and loyal and that she didn't love him back. That way, when it ended, it wouldn't hurt."

Puck groaned.

"Stop playing shrink" he said, throwing a pillow at her.

She snickered and tossed it back at his head. Puck and Santana's relationship had improved greatly since they had decided never to sleep together again. She had stopped flirting with him and he had stopped taking out his urges on her. It was a win-win.

"And I have to disagree with you" she said.

"Considering what?"

"You said that you can't love someone too much."

Puck tilted his head.

"Brittany?" he asked.

"Shut up."

"You can talk to me, you know" Puck said.

Santana grinned and stuck her tongue out.

"Thanks, but I think we should deal with one blonde at a time. Don't you think?"

He nodded.

"Sure."

* * *

><p>The small Bed and Breakfast in Connecticut looked like it was taken out of romantic comedy. It was small and cozy. The bed was wide and covered in cushions. Matt sighed of pleasure. He looked at home here.<p>

"I love this place" he said, kissing her cheek.

"It's really nice."

Quinn put down her bag, stealing a glance at Matt's. Did he have a ring in that bag or had Puck just made that up?

"Dinner's in a few hours" Matt said and smiled. "Do you think we'll be able to keep busy until then?"

Quinn kissed him. He was good kisser. She felt his hands in her hair and closed her eyes. She wanted this to be it. She wanted him to be the one. Because he was nice and pleasant and a doctor. Because he loved B &B's and Connecticut. But when he kissed her, she felt nothing. Nothing.

"Maybe we can take a walk" she said and broke free from his grip.

He looked a bit disappointed, but quickly smiled.

"Sure."

He took her hand and squeezed it. She wanted to cry.

…

"I was so in love with you in High School" Matt sighed.

They walked along a path. Everything was green and wonderful. If the B&B had felt like a romantic comedy, this felt like a Disney Movie. It was beautiful.

"I never realized."

"Well, you had other things on your mind. Finn, for once."

"Yeah" Quinn exhaled.

Finn. Darling Finn. Finn who had married Rachel on that sunny October day five years ago. Finn. She missed him so much,

"And let's not forget about the baby" Matt smiled.

"How could I forget?" Quinn sighed.

"And Puck…"

Quinn felt her insides grow cold. This was dangerous territory.

"He knew that I had a crush on you" Matt said. "And he hated me for it. He was kicked my ass once, just for looking at you."

"He didn't" Quinn mumbled in disbelief.

"He did. It was very juvenile."

And romantic.

"Yeah" she breathed.

"As was the song he played for you" Matt sighed. "In front of all those people."

She could hear the annoyance in his voice. But could she really blame him?

"I know."

"You must been so embarrassed."

"I was" Quinn admitted. "He caught me off guard."

Matt put his arm across her shoulders and kissed her hair.

"I will never embarrass you like that" he promised.

"I know you won't" she whispered, not knowing if it was a good or a bad thing.

…

She dressed up for dinner. He wanted her to, he had told her so. She wore a lace dress and her hair up. This was it. This was the moment she had waited for from the day she could imagine her wedding. The proposal.

"You look wonderful" Matt whispered in her ear as he kissed her cheek.

This was the story that she would tell her grandchildren. How she had met Lily's doctor, realized it was an old friend and fallen in love. How he had taken her to a beautiful B&B, made her dress up and asked her to marry him. It was a perfect story. A fairytale.

"What do you think of this place?" he asked, waking her from her thoughts.

"It's beautiful" she smiled.

Matt smiled.

"Isn't it?"

They served champagne, Quinn took a slow sip. She didn't want to be drunk when she said yes. She wanted to remember it.

"I can't believe we're here" Matt said. "You and me. Finally."

She laughed, taking his hand over the table. It was cold, she had to force herself to hold on to it.

"I asked you to come here" he said, squeezing her hand. "for a reason."

She nodded.

"Okay."

"I asked you here, because I love you. And I know, that I will love you forever."

Quinn waited for the flutter in her stomach, but it didn't come. All she felt were nerves. She just wanted him to say it.

"Quinn Fabray, will you marry me?" Matt asked.

He didn't go down on one knee. She didn't cry or squeal. He didn't even have a ring. Maybe that was why she hesitated.

"I wanted to ask you parents for your hand, but I haven't met them yet" Matt continued when she didn't respond.

Her parents. Her mother. Judy Fabray. Quinn closed her eyes.

"My mother would love you" she whispered.

Matt beamed, but Quinn felt like crying. Her mother would love Matt. He was just like the boys Judy and Quinn had made up together, sitting in Quinn's bed after school. Quinn had been maybe eight and dreamed of marrying a prince. Her mother had told her that princes were rare, but doctors and lawyers were almost the same thing. So Quinn should marry a doctor or a lawyer. He was supposed to be kind and wealthy. He was supposed to have a nice house and a big car. And Quinn, she was supposed to beautiful. They had pictured their wedding so many times and Judy had brought out her own wedding pictures. Russell and Judy Fabray, standing outside a white church, smiling.

"I can't marry you" Quinn whispered.

Matt furrowed his brow.

"Why not?"

"Because I would be doing the same mistake as my mother did. Marrying a man for all the wrong reasons."

"What are the _wrong _reasons?" Matt asked, annoyed.

"You're my dream guy. You're handsome and kind and you have good job. That's why I'm here. Because I used make plans of marrying a guy like you. It was a game when I was a kid, but I got stuck in that game."

"I don't get it" he sighed. "I'm your dream guy but you don't want to marry me?"

"You're the prince, Matt. The one I'm supposed to love, that my mother would want me to marry. And I love you the idea of you. I do. I just don't love you."

It sounded blunt and Matt flinched like she had hit him.

"Is this about Puck?" he asked bluntly.

She shook her head.

"No, for once, it's about what I want."

"So, we're over?" Matt asked, in a mocking voice.

"I'm sorry. I really am. I never meant to hurt you."

She got up and picked up her bag.

"I have to go."

Matt looked away. He looked hurt and angry. But it would have been worse from them if she had said yes. They might have ended up like Russell and Judy, in a loveless marriage full of adultery and resentment. She had spared them that. One day, Matt would thank her. Maybe.


	12. Chapter 12 don't let me down

"Can you pick me up?"

Her voice was weak and hoarse at the same time. He could hear the tears in her throat. Still, just her voice made his heart beat faster.

"Sure" he exhaled. "What's the address?"

She whispered it and hung up. Santana looked up at him.

"Where you going?" she yawned.

"To Connecticut."

"That's a three hour drive."

"I know."

"You're so whipped."

Puck shook his head and grabbed his keys. Maybe he was. Maybe he was just in love.

"Can you watch Lily until I come back?"

Santana shook her head violently.

"No, don't leave me with a kid. It'll die."

Puck smiled.

"You'll be fine. Just don't call her _it _and feed her if she wakes up."

…

She looked like something out of an old movie as she waited for him. It was night now and dark. The glow from the windows only partially lit her tiny frame. His heart stopped beating for just a second. Just looking at her was enough.

"Thank you" she whispered.

"Anytime" he smiled, because it was true.

"I didn't know who else to call."

He nodded, started the engine again and drove off. Quinn stared out of the window. He could tell that she hadn't been crying, her make-up was intact and her eyes not puffy. Maybe she hadn't said no after all. Maybe there was another reason why she wanted to come home.

"Are you okay?" he asked carefully.

She nodded.

"Yeah, actually, I am."

"And how did it go with Matt?"

"Don't ask."

He couldn't stop himself from smiling. Quinn noticed and punched his arm.

"Stop grinning" she growled.

"Ouch" he said, pouting his lips.

She shook her head and turned up the music. Puck realized too late that he should have changed the CD. He had been listening to _White Blank Pag_e for three hours straight. He had it burned on its own CD. Just that one sonf.

"How about some radio?" he asked awkwardly after Quinn had tried to change the track and realized that it was the only one on the CD.

"No" she whispered. "I love this song."

…

"You're not wearing a ring" Puck said.

He was stating a fact, but Quinn closed her eyes and tried to breathe.

"No."

"So, he didn't ask?"

"Puck…"

"What? I'm just making conversation."

"Talk about something else."

"Are you getting married?" he asked.

"That's not a different subject" she sighed.

"It kind of is."

"Nope."

He shrugged. She could tell that he didn't want to make her angry, that he just wanted to know.

"Let the awkward silence begin then" he said, shrugging.

Quinn smiled and shook her head.

"You're weird" she said.

"And you mean that in the most affectionate way" Puck filled in.

"Of course."

She didn't want to cry anymore. She wanted to sit in this car, with Puck, listening to Mumford & Sons forever. Forever. Because here, nothing hurt. She didn't feel like shit. This car was sanctuary and she never wanted to leave it.

"Thanks again" she whispered. "For picking me up."

"Sure" he said, smiling. "You're my family. I do anything for my family."

"We're family, aren't we?" she asked softly.

"Yeah" he breathed.

"You and me and Lily."

She tilted her head against the cool windshield. Everything was going to be okay. As long as she didn't get out of this car.

…

But they arrived at the house, just like she had known they must. Puck turned the engine off, but she didn't get out. Outside, it was cold.

"Just tell me" he said. "Just tell me so that I don't have to hear about it from someone else."

"Puck…"

"I won't be difficult. I'll even buy you a wedding gift."

"He asked me and I said no."

Puck looked confused and relieved at the same time. She loved that she could see exactly what he felt in his eyes. They showed every emotion.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because my mom would love him."

Puck laughed. He understood. He got it. She laughed too.

"And what happens now?" he asked, his eyes hopeful.

He placed his hand over hers on the seat. His hand was warm, not clammy and cold like Matt's. That was why this was so much harder. She shook her head.

"I didn't do this for you" she whispered. "I did it for me."

Hurt. His eyes screamed of hurt. But she couldn't help it. He nodded slowly.

"Alright."

She tried to find words, but ended up with nothing. White Blank Page still played in the background. _But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart._

…

He drove over the speed limit. He blasted the music so loud it hurt his ears. Cars around him honked as he swerved round them without caution. Shit. Shit. Shit. He parked outside Santana's apartment building and closed his eyes tight. Shit. He hated this. He hated her. He hated everything.

"I hate her" he whispered.

Santana patted his cheek. Her long nail chipped his skin.

"No, you don't."

"No, I don't."

"Do you want a drink?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.

Puck shook his head.

"No, I have to go home."

Santana smiled.

"Well, at least I didn't kill the kid!" she said happily.

Puck snorted and lifted Lily out of the sofa she sleeping on.

"Thanks" he said, kissing Santana's cheek. "Thanks for the help."

She shrugged.

"Anytime."

Puck opened the door as Santana called his name. He turned around to face her. She sat on the couch, her legs folded under her. For one second, she didn't look like Santana Lopez, internationally known pop star/sex symbol. She just looked like Santana, a girl in her twenties wearing sweats and no makeup. His friend since childhood.

"What?" he asked.

"Maybe she needs more time" she said.

"I've given her twelve years" he replied. "Time has run out."

* * *

><p>"Hello" she said.<p>

She was dressed in jeans and t-shirt. The snow was pouring down. It was march. It wasn't supposed to snow in march.

"Hey."

He lifted Lily out of the car. She was in a bad mood today, so was he.

"How are you?" Quinn asked, shivering in the cold wind.

"Don't."

"What?"

"Don't pretend that we are friends."

She flinched and then shook her head.

"We are friends."

"No, Quinn. We were never friends" he said, his voice full of mocking laughter. "Don't you get it? It's either all or nothing with us."

"It doesn't have to be that way" she disagreed.

He nodded.

"Yes, it has. So, I'll come here and pick up Lily. I'll smile and ask about the weather, but that's it. Let's not pretend anymore, Quinn."

He could see that he was hurting her, but he didn't care. She couldn't feel as bad as he felt. It was impossible.

"It's all or nothing" he repeated. "And you, Quinn, you chose nothing."

He handed her Lily and placed her bag on the wet pavement.

"We're not nothing" Quinn said. "We're a family."

He shook his head.

"Tell yourself whatever you want."

He said because he knew it would hurt her the most. And he wanted to hurt. To feel like shit. So that she would realized that she loved him too. Not too much, just the right amount.

"Bye" he said.

And left.


	13. Chapter 13 happiness is a warm gun

Three months passed. The snow melted, the grass was green again. Puck spent the day with Lily on a blanket in Central Park. He was strumming his guitar, not writing songs or anything, just playing. Lily was talking to some doll that Quinn had given her. But suddenly her playful squeals were replaced by a piercing scream. Puck felt the panic rise inside as he picked Lily up. Her scream was becoming a heaving, tears making her face wet. She turned pale in his arms and her eyelids fluttered.

"Lily" he said. "Lily!"

He felt her go limp in his arms, she was unconscious. What had happened? He didn't understand. A minute ago, she had been fine. He fumbled for his phone and dialed 911. Shit. He leaned in and tried to find out if she was breathing, but he was too panicky to concentrate. _What if she died. What if she died, here in his arms. _No. No. No.

…

"Does she have any illnesses?" the paramedic asked.

Puck swallowed.

"No" he said.

Or did she? He didn't know.

"I don't think so" he corrected himself.

"Any allergies?"

Crap. He didn't know this stuff. Quinn would know. Quinn would have been able to deliver a complete report to the paramedics.

"I don't know" he admitted.

The paramedic just nodded. He was taking Lily's blood pressure.

"She has low blood pressure" he said. "That's why she passed out."

Puck nodded. Okay. Sure. That made sense, he guessed.

"I think she might have been stung by wasp" the paramedic continued. "She might be allergic."

Puck didn't know what to respond. He just watched as Lily lay there, tiny, unconscious, with an oxygen mask on her face.

"We need to give her adrenalin" the paramedic told him.

Puck nodded again. What else could he do? Fear was tearing at him.

…

Quinn felt her chest clench as she ran up the stairs. The elevator had been to slow. She had to move. Her breath was ragged in her own ears. On floor left. She burst through the doors the pediatric unit. Her footsteps were hard against the floor. Boom. Boom. Boom. Or maybe that was her heart. Room 1022. She opened the door and stepped inside.

"Hey" Puck said.

He was sitting in a chair next to the bed. Lily slept on white sheets, her face pale against the pillow.

"Is she okay?"

"Yeah. She's sleeping now."

Quinn clutched at her chest. It still hurt.

"What happened?" she asked.

Puck got up and started pacing. It made her even more anxious.

"She was stung by a wasp. I didn't even know that she was allergic to them. I just panicked when she started crying and then went pale…"

Quinn felt herself draw for breath.

"I didn't know either" she said, but he wasn't listening.

"And the paramedic asked me if she was allergic to something. And I didn't know."

"Stop pacing" she told him sharply.

He froze. His eyes were red. Had he been crying?

"Is she going to be okay?" Quinn asked, trying to keep her voice steady.

Puck nodded.

"Yeah. They gave her adrenaline. She's going to be fine."

Quinn exhaled. Okay. Lily was going to be fine.

"Puck, listen to me" she said, grabbing hold of his arm. "I didn't know she was allergic to wasps either. Neither did Finn or Rachel. Okay? We didn't know."

He nodded slowly. She mimicked his behavior to comfort him.

"I freaked out" he whispered.

"Me too" she smiled.

She looked down and realized that she was still holding his arm. She let it go hastily. Puck watched as it fell down onto his thigh.

"I guess what this is what it's like to be a parent" he said.

She nodded.

…

It was night now. Lily still slept on the white sheets. The doctor wanted her to stay overnight for observation.

"You can go home" Quinn volunteered.

"No" he said. "You can go."

She shook her head. She wanted to stay. In case something happened. And something else to, but she didn't really know what it was.

"You need more coffee?" he asked.

She shook her head. She was wide awake. They sat on plastic chairs in the waiting room because visiting hours were over. The room was almost empty, only another couple sat across from them. They were sobbing against each other. Quinn guessed that their kid wasn't just kept overnight for observation.

"Sometimes I wish that we hadn't taken her" Quinn said, without thinking.

Puck's head snapped up.

"Why?"

"Because I couldn't handle it if she died. Or got hurt. What if we were those two?" she whispered, gesturing at the crying couple.

Puck's eyes were hard as they met hers. Fury.

"That's your problem, Quinn" he spat.

She felt her pulse quicken and her blood rise. Who was he to comment on her flaws?

"What's my problem?" she snapped.

"You're so fucking afraid of loving, because it might go wrong."

He got up and started pacing again. Quinn looked up at him, not knowing what to say or feel.

"I didn't get it at first, I don't why, maybe because I'm a guy. But Santana, she got it and told me."

"You shouldn't talk to Santana about me."

He ignored her.

"Every time something gets too close, you push it away. Because if it's real, it will hurt if it ends" he said, shaking his head at her.

"That's not true."

"It is. Shit. It is, Quinn. Just admit it."

She got up too. He was taller than her, so she still had to look up. His face was hard, his jaw set. He was pissed. So was she.

"You don't even know me" she spat.

"I don't? I've known you since we were kids. I've made love to you on several occasions. I've seen you give birth to our daughter. I know you."

He was right. He knew her. He knew her better than anyone.

"I let myself love you" she whispered. "And you left."

He shook his head and looked away.

…

She missed him. That was it. That's why she wanted to stay here, right next to him all night. Because she missed him. She missed his smell and his smile. She missed his wit and clever remarks. She missed his voice, his words and everything he did. She missed him. Even though they met every week to exchange Lily between them, all they ever said was _hi _and _bye. _

"I miss you" she whispered.

He sat down next to her again, his fingers playing with his phone.

"Don't tell me that" he said.

"Why not?"  
>"Because of what I feel for you. It's not fair."<p>

"I miss you" she whispered again. "I miss you so much it hurts."

She tried to take his hand, but he snatched it away.

"Just don't."

Maybe he was right. Maybe it was all or nothing.

"Don't you miss me?" she asked.

He looked at her. His face was softer now, but guarded.

"Quinn…"

He was interrupted by a man in a white lab coat. Both Puck and Quinn stood up, feeling dread.

"Are you Lily Hudson's parents?" he asked.

They exchanged a quick look.

"Yes" they said together.

"She just woke up" he said. "Come and see her."

…

Lily had fallen asleep before they reached the door to her room. The doctor let them stay inside. Quinn was beat. She had worked a full day, run up a hundred stairs and waited in a plastic chair for eight hours. Puck sat down on the floor and leaned against the wall. She sat down next to him.

"I'm scared" she whispered.

He didn't look at her, she didn't look at him.

"Me too" he said. "That's a part of life."

"Being scared?" she asked.

He nodded.

"Yeah."

"Rachel was never scared."

"Of course she was, but she was happy too. Her happiness over having a kid was greater than her fear" Puck whispered.

Quinn closed her eyes. She needed to sleep.

"It's easier to have nothing" she said. "If you have nothing, you have nothing to lose."

"How cynical."

"It's easier to have nothing" she repeated. "But it's hard when you miss having something."

She looked at him now. His eyes were closed too, just like hers had been.

"You can't keep doing this" he breathed. "You have to make up your mind, Quinn. You can't want me one minute and then don't the next."

"I'm just scared" she whispered.

He nodded,

"I know."

…

A few days of worrying passed and finally life went back to normal. Lily had a received an emergency kit, in case she got stung again. Otherwise, everything was just like it was before the accident. She stayed the rest of the week with Puck and then Quinn got her on Sunday. They exchanged a quick hello and then avoided each other's eyes. Just like before.

Quinn worked in her office on a Wednesday. Tina was sitting across from her. They had opened the window to let the warm air inside the stuffy room. It was just normal day at work.

"How are things with Puck?" Tina asked.

"Fine."

"As in that you don't speak?"

"Yep."

Silence fell between them. Quinn was reading a manuscript and getting distracted by all the spelling errors. Didn't this person have spell check?

"Can I just say one thing?" Tina asked carefully.

Quinn looked up.

"Sure."

"It's about Puck."

"Oh."

She looked down at the papers again.

"Do you remember when you two got together, before he left?" Tina asked softly. "When you sat in this office and were so happy than you couldn't be still?"

Quinn swallowed. She nodded.

"I was so jealous of you, Quinn, because you were so in love that you glowed. And here I was with my three year old relationship to nice guy, but who didn't make feel like jumping around the room."

"That's different; you two have been dating a long time and…"

Tina interrupted her.

"Not my point."

"What is your point?"

She tried to not sound icy or mad or irritated, but she felt all those things. Puck was her soft spot. Talking about him made her defensive.

"How do you feel, Quinn?" Tina asked.

"I feel fine" she replied.

And confused.

Tina nodded. Her dark hair shone in the light from the sun.

"Exactly. You feel fine."

"Yes…"  
>"Did you feel fine when you and Puck were together?"<p>

"No, but…"

"How did you feel?" Tina pressed on.

"I felt wonderful. Happy."

"Exactly. Don't you want to be happy, Quinn?"

She shook her head. Tina didn't understand.

"I felt happy when I was with him, but when he left, I felt horrible."

"So?"

Quinn raised her eyebrows. Didn't Tina get it? Puck had hurt her.

"Everything changed when he left" she explained.

"Do you still love him?"

"Yes."

"Does he still love you?"

"I think so."

"Then, what has changed?"

Quinn opened her mouth, but had no idea what to say.

"It's not that simple…"

"Isn't it?"

Quinn swallowed again. Tina was staring at her with a manic gaze. Quinn wondered how long she had prepared this intervention.

"What am I supposed to do?" Quinn asked hopelessly.

"Go to him and say that you want to be with him."

"Just like that?"

"Yes, just like that."

…

She didn't go him and say she wanted to be with him. She didn't dare. He might have a girlfriend over. He might be asleep. He might not be home. He might not love her.

But when Sunday came and Quinn was handing him Lily, she froze.

"Are you okay?" Puck asked.

He looked good today. Healthy and well slept and handsome. He wore a green sweater and worn jeans. She wanted to touch every part of him.

"I love you" she said.

He froze too. Quinn's arms began to ache from the strain of holding Lily out for him, but didn't move. Neither did he.

"Okay" he said slowly.

"I want…" she began, but stopped.

He didn't look happy. He looked cautious and scared.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"I want you" she whispered. "I want you and me and Lily to live together. But not here, because I hate this house. Don't you? It screams Rachel Berry and I'm not her. Even if I try to pretend that I am. I want you and me and Lily to sell this house and move into a nice apartment closer to the city. I want to change Lily's last name, she's ours and she's a Puckerman, not a Hudson. I want us to be family."

Puck still didn't say anything, but Quinn's arms were killing her. She put Lily down on the ground.

"What else do you want?" Puck asked quietly.

"To be happy."

He nodded slowly. Quinn looked away. He was trying to find a nice way to let her down. Had he found someone else? Was it Santana?

"Let's go then" he said, picking Lily up.

"Go where?"

"The realtor. Houses sell well in the spring."

They looked at each other for almost a minute, both holding their breaths.

"Or do you want to write a form to change her name first?" he asked.

"No" she whispered. "First, I would like to kiss you."

He smiled, took a step forward and kissed her. Quinn wrapped herself around him. She felt something in the pit of her stomach. Joy. Happiness. Love. But not fear. For the first time in ages, she didn't feel scared.

* * *

><p><strong>Epilogue<strong>

It was hot. Too hot. Quinn fanned herself with her program.

"I'm sweating" Daniel complained.

She hushed him and started fanning his face instead. This valedictorian was the most boring person Quinn had ever had the disadvantage to listen to. She had spoken about equality for almost twenty minutes.

"Do you have the camera ready?" she whispered in Puck's ear.

He nodded, keeping his eye on the boring valedictorian. Quinn, however, watched him. Watching Puck's face was far more entertaining than listening to some nervous eighteen-year old. He was smiling, broadly, proudly. She could see the lines on his face, he had gotten older, just like she had. She wanted to trace every line in his face with her finger, but she didn't. Not now. Maybe later when they were alone. Maybe then she would let her fingers trace more than the lines.

"Mom" Grace groaned. "When is Lily going up? I told Jessie that I would meet her at two."

Quinn hushed her too.

"Soon" she mouthed.

God, it was hot.

"And this years' graduates" the principal finally said.

Quinn sat up straighter in her chair, nudged Puck to take the camera out and bit her lip. Soon.

"Anderson, Margret" the principal began.

"Mom, I'm hot" Daniel complained again.

"Here" she said, giving him her program to fan himself with.

"Olson, Markus" the principal called out.

The family next to Quinn's got up and cheered.

"Puckerman, Lily."

Quinn stood up, dragged up Puck with her and clapped loudly. She didn't care that she was embarrassing her daughter. She was just so proud, so happy. Lily received her diploma, flicked her hat and went down the stairs again. Quinn sat down. Her heart pounded hard in her chest.

"Mom, I'm so fucking hot" Grace groaned.

"Don't swear" she said, patting her head.

…

Puck ate a cupcake while keeping an eye on Grace who was trying to steal a wine bottle from the counter. She looked just like Quinn, slender and blonde, but she had his personality. No, she hadn't been busted for stealing an ATM or anything that stupid, but she liked older boys and going to parties. Sometimes he cursed her beautiful looks. It would have been easier if she wasn't as gorgeous as her mother, but at sixteen Grace Puckerman could have been pre-knocked up Quinn Fabray. The likeness was uncanny.

Daniel was a mix of both his parents. He was fourteen, broad-shouldered and quiet. He liked music and was more talented than both Puck and Quinn together. Puck loved hearing him strumming one of his old guitars in the evening or singing loudly in the shower. Puck didn't know if Daniel was exceptionally easy, but his son had never been as much trouble as his daughters. They biggest problem they had with him was that he played the drums too much, too loudly. And Puck could live with that.

It was Lily who was graduating and she didn't look anything like either Puck or Quinn. She was small and dark haired, just like her mother had been. But her features were delicate and she was calm and well-liked. She didn't sing or act. She liked math and was going to be a physics major at college. Sometimes Puck thought that if Rachel would still be here, she would have forced Lily into the arts. He was proud to say that he hadn't. He had tried, but she hadn't been interested so he had dropped it. She was eighteen and going away to college. His oldest daughter.

"I can't believe she graduated today" Carole said.

Her hair was grey and her posture slumped, but she was alert. She had become an extra grandparent to the Puckerman kids. The Fabrays had visited their grandkids only once, twice if you counted meeting Lily at Quinn and Puck's wedding. Puck's mother lived in Ohio, she wasn't around much. Carole had been the one to go to all the school plays and watch the games.

"Me neither" Puck exhaled.

"Seventeen years since they died" she said.

Puck nodded. Yes, he had thought about today too. He knew that Finn would be proud. He knew that Rachel would probably act just like Quinn did, running around taking pictures and talking too fast. It had been almost two decades since they had died, but he still missed them.

"You did good" Carole smiled, patting Puck's shoulder.

He smiled at her.

"Thanks."

Quinn Puckerman stood by the cake, handing out plates and spoons. Her blonde hair was coming down from its bun and her cheeks were red. Puck came up behind her and kissed her cheek.

"Hey, darling" he whispered.

She turned around and kissed him. Her eyes were glowing with pride and happiness.

"Hi" she breathed.

"Grace is trying to steal wine" he told her. "And Dan sitting the corner, listening to Death Cab."

"All is well then" she smiled.

"Yeah."

"We did it" Puck whispered in her ear.

She nodded smiling.

"Yeah, we did."

"Just two kids more to go and then we move to Florida" he joked.

She rolled her eyes.

"Never Florida" she replied. "I want to live on the Upper East Side."

Puck felt a knock on his shoulder. He turned around. A girl was looking up at him, maybe Grace's age, with too much blue eyeshadow.

"Are you Noah Puckerman?" she asked, her eyes big.

"Yes" he replied.

"_The_ Noah Puckerman?"

Quinn rolled her eyes next to him.

"Yes" she said. "He is the one who made your favorite album of all time."

The girl stared at them both.

"Can you sign my shirt?" she asked.

Puck took a pen from the table and signed the girl's shirt. Then he turned away from her.

"When are you going to be less famous?" Quinn sighed.

"I'm sorry, honey. Being a Grammy-winning artist ain't easy. Girls screaming wherever I go, trying to get me to kiss them."

She rolled her eyes again. He bent down and kissed her mouth.

"I only love you though" he whispered.

…

Quinn stood by the cake with Puck's arm around her shoulders. In the apartment they had bought. With Lily talking to her boyfriend in the corner, Grace asking Santana for tips on lipstick and Daniel with his headphones on. Her children. Her two biological children and one adoptive daughter. And her husband's arm around her. Here they are we're. Everything she had even dreamt of. Her family.

* * *

><p><em>Thank you for all the nice reviews and comments! 3<em>


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